


Discord & Love: Disc 2

by jynx



Series: Discord and Love [5]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Families of Choice, Fili is in PR, Flashbacks, Incest, Kili is a sniper, M/M, Multi, Music Related Fic, Music embedded fic, Musical References, Non-Linear Narrative, Paramilitary, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Incest, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenagers, Torture, music inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 15:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 37
Words: 24,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8332210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jynx/pseuds/jynx
Summary: Four years after the events of Part 1, Fili & Kili have settled into a happy routine of domestic bliss. Kina is 15 and the boys are delighting in raising a teenager as well as balancing their workloads and their love life. Only now Tauriel's tapped Kili as her replacement for the head of the Boston office and things are about to change. **ABANDONED AND DISCONTINUED AS OF APRIL 2018**





	1. Track 1 - Don't Let Me Down

“You know he’s going to be less than pleased,” Dirk said as Kili checked his 9mm over. 

They were in the shooting range on a Tuesday night and Kili needed to blow off a little steam before he went home. If he went home agitated then Fili would notice. If Fili noticed then he would ask why and if he asked why then Kili would have to tell him--those were the rules they had agreed on--and Fili would not like the answer.

Or he would, if Fili was home.

“He doesn’t have a choice,” Kili said, sliding his safety glasses on. “I don’t have much of a choice.”

“You had the choice a year ago, Captain Oblivious. Six months ago. Two months ago,” Dirk said. “Now? Not so much, kid.”

“Yeah, I hadn’t noticed it was happening until Nori started saluting me and calling me Boss last week,” Kili said. He grabbed the ear protection, shoved them on, lined up the target and began emptying his clip. He didn’t care if Dirk was ready or not, he needed to shoot something. He really, really needed to shoot something.

“Your aim is off,” Dirk said when he was finished, loud enough Kili could hear him through the ear protection. “Not enough kill shots.”

Kili took a deep breath in through his nose and slowly let it out the same way, trying to unclench his jaw. He ejected the magazine and reached for a new one, having the computer load a new target as well. He was working out his aggression. He refused to go home like this. 

“Kili,” Dirk said.

“I swear to god--”

“Just tell Tauriel that you’re not interested,” Dirk said.

Kili said, tugging his ear protection down to his neck and flipping the safety on and setting the gun down in front of him, putting his hands on his hips. “The problem is? I am interested. I like the idea. I’d be good at it. But I don’t like the way she maneuvered me into the position without me knowing about it. All of you knew about it but I didn’t. She couldn’t have just said, ‘Hey, Haegan, I’m training you to do my job. You’re going to run Boston, I’m going back to Texas, have fun with these bricks for brains. Ciao!’”

“At least you’re going on one more hurrah,” Dirk said.

Kili grit his teeth, snapped up his gun, flicked off the safety, and kept firing until the gun clicked sadly at him. He fumed. One last hurrah. One last goddamned mission to another miserable sandbox. Somewhere safe. Some stupid mission that was going to be benign and boring and something he could sleepwalk through.

Fantastic.

Maybe the shooting range had been a bad idea.

He need to punch something.

“Wanna hit the gym?” he asked Dirk.

“Why don’t you go home and take that boy of yours for a round or two. Work it out of your system,” Dirk suggested. “You know he'll be thrilled to fuck you stupid.”

Kili looked down at his gun. No, maybe he wanted to shoot things some more.

“Okay,” Dirk said, reaching out and slowly taking the gun away from Kili. “I think we’ve emptied enough rounds into the paper right now. What’s up?”

Kili huffed. “Go home to Sigrid and the kids, Dirk. I’ll be fine. I’m just angry.”

“No, I’ve seen you angry. This isn’t angry. This is livid. What did Tauriel talk to you about?” Dirk asked. He ejected the magazine, tossing it aside, and started taking the gun apart. Kili whined softly, wanting his gun back, but sighed as he let his shoulders slump. “Or is this something more than just Tauriel?”

“Fili pulled a me,” Kili said. “Left on a red eye out of Logan at, like, 5am. He's gone for two or so weeks.”

Dirk looked at his watch.

“Kina’s at a sleepover with her bestie,” Kili said. “They planned it ages ago. Big, empty house all to myself. It’s great. Now, fuck off and give me my gun.” Dirk handed in back in the different pieces, which Kili reassembled and then slid back into his holster. “Go home, Dirk. I need to look over some of the stuff Tauriel gave me. Might as well get it out of the way now.”

“What'd she say to you?” he asked.

Kili licked his lips so he would relax his jaw. “Ask me tomorrow.”

=

He took the files home with him, grabbing a pizza on the way, and sat on the living room floor. He ignored the rule about eating only at tables--Kina’s rule, actually--and using plates--Fili’s--as he sat on his ass and ate with his hands. Pizza required nothing more. Gunny, who usually came running at the sound of the pizza box, stayed on Fili’s pillow upstairs, sleeping. 

These files, though, required the big bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue he’d stopped to pick up.

These were the confidential files. The Ops that had failed that Woods had swept under the rug, the ones that were borderline dirty, the ones that had them playing not quite the good guys. Kili wasn't dumb, he knew they were mercenaries. He knew they were bought and paid for, that the blood on their hands wasn't always the blood they wanted to be there. Some of these files made him uncomfortable, some of them made him grab the bottle and chug.

One had him going to the bathroom and throwing up.

Kids.

It was always going to be kids.

He leaned against the wall of the bathroom, listening to himself catch his breath, and tried to forget the images he’d just seen. She’d warned him when he took the files that the job sucked, that the calls he would have to make were going to keep him up at night, that the responsibility wasn’t always worth it. 

We do what we have to so that the good men don’t have to, she’d said. We’re good men, Kili, don’t get me wrong, but we’re not the good men this country look toward. To them, we’re the bad guys.

Looking at the files Kili didn’t know if Tauriel was right. Maybe the others were right. Maybe he wasn’t the good guy he thought he’d been all along. Maybe he was just a good guy following bad orders. Maybe he was just a bad guy doing bad things to good people. What did it even matter.

He rubbed at his eyes and flushed the toilet. 

So much for the pizza. At least he still had the Johnnie Walker.


	2. Track 2 - Adagio for Strings

Kili groggily opened an eye, feeling someone gently smacking his cheek, as he was slowly lowered from the ceiling he was hanging from. He felt his shoulders groan and the feeling of cold, slimy concrete come in contact with his hot skin. He closed his eye, bracing himself for more pain, but only felt himself being jostled to and fro before being carried from the room. 

That was strange.

Usually they just dragged him like a sack of potatoes.

He felt the air change, getting warmer instead of colder, dryer instead of damper and then light hit him.

He struggled to open his eyes and licked his dry and cracked lips with a tongue that was barely any better. Blue sky. Sun.

He was outside?

He was...free?

What was happening?

He tried to move his head, tried to see what was going on, but his body wouldn’t cooperate. As he was loaded into the back of a car he lost the battle to stay conscious and dropped back into the welcome blackness of unconsciousness.


	3. Track 3

Fili blinked at Kili. “Wait, run that by me again?”

Kili tapped the computer’s camera. “Is this thing working? You heard me the first time. Tauriel wants me to run the Boston office. Not CEO level or anything like that, but like, I don’t know. I’m shit at titles. But I’m up there.”

“Fucking hell, Kili,” Fili said, sitting back in his chair. He ran his hands through his hair, the picture going grainy for a moment before stabilizing. He didn’t look happy.

Kili rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought you’d be pleased. Means I’d be permanently benched.”

“We’re never going to see you,” Fili said. More of the looking unhappy; furrowed brow, lines around his mouth, looking away from the camera.

“Maybe not for the first few months while I figure shit out, yeah, but once things settle down? I figure I can manage things differently,” Kili said.

“You can’t manage shit,” Fili said, sighing. “You can barely manage yourself and Kina, how’re you going to manage a company?”

Kili tried not to flinch.

Fili winced. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, it’s been a day. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“So I’m a hot mess at home, that’s home,” Kili said. “My Ops are different. I have lives on the lines there. Do you know the files Tauriel gave me yesterday? The failed shit I’m going to have to deal with? I should make you read those, because you’re going to have to deal with me when I have those.” He tugged his hair out of it’s ponytail and started braiding it, pulling it tight in anxious yanks. “Kids, Fili. A village full of women and kids massacred by us by accident because of a single digit off in the coordinates. Just another SNAFU that got swept under the rug.”

“Jesus,” Fili breathed.

“Dirty employees,” Kili went on. “Bribes. Do you want me to go on? Do you know how dirty I’m going to have to get to do this job? And I do have to do this because this is how I keep my people safe. And I keep my people safe because we do the jobs that no one else does. We go where no one else goes.”

“Kili--”

“So you can be as pissed off as you want about never seeing me,” Kili went on, “and if you really want to make an issue out of it then we’re going to really have a problem. I’ll fucking call Sigrid and we’ll start hashing shit out again because you’re breaking one of the rules. I won’t be active.”

Fili slumped in his chair. “Fine.”

Kili bit his lip. “Uhm. Okay, well.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Fili said, looking at the camera.

“One!” Kili said. “I get the option to take one last hurrah trip, a baby run, as a close out.” He tried not to sneer. “It’s insulting how easy it is. It’s a package run. I just protect this guy from point A to point B and make sure nothing happens. He’s some Greek banker or something and he’s just fussy. Tauriel picked it, said it’s the only thing I can take.”

“Kili,” Fili said.

“It won’t happen until you come back, I made sure,” Kili said. “Three weeks.”

“I’m here for two months,” Fili said.

Kili’s heart sank. “What?”

“They extended the contract,” Fili said. “They want something more in depth during the campaign and like what I’ve been coming up with. So it’s been extended to two months. And after the two months it might be extended more. It’s traveling, though, so we might be back in Boston for some of it or we might not be.”

Kili stared at him. “I’ll call Mom.”

“Yeah, guess so,” Fili said.

They were both silent for a while, staring at each other.

“We need to revisit the rules soon,” Fili said. “Especially if you have the new job.”

“We’ve been putting it off anyway,” Kili said. “Kina’s going to start dating soon. Going to have to put those rules down.”

“And driving.”

Kili hummed softly, not sure if Skype would pick it up but uncaring. “We’ll figure rules out. And jobs. Just.” He sighed. “This is all such shitty timing.”

“You’re telling me.”

“I wish you were here,” Kili said.

“Go easy on the Johnny Walker,” Fili said. At Kili’s glance he shrugged. “I was checking to see if I got overcharged for something and noticed the liquor store purchase. You only ever buy Johnnie Walker. We’ve got everything else at home.”

Kili nodded; creepy, but it made sense. Happens when you shared a credit card. His cell phone started ringing. He glanced at the screen and frowned, seeing that it was Thranduil. Why the hell would the Big Boss be calling him?

“Hey, babe? I gotta go. Bossman is calling. I’ll call you tomorrow?” he asked.

“Uh, I’ll call you,” Fili said. “I don’t know when I’ll get a free moment.”

“Text first,” Kili said. “I don’t know when I’ll be free either.”

“Love you,” Fili said.

“Love you too,” Kili said, shutting down Skype as he picked up the phone. “This is Haegan.”


	4. Track 4: Walk Like an Egyptian

“I can’t believe dad is still not home,” Kina said with a roll of her eyes. “So lame.”

Kili grinned, handing her a plate of pancakes. “He’s doing important things, leave him alone.”

“You’re going to Egypt for, what, three weeks starting tomorrow!” Kina protested, taking the plate. “He should make an effort.”

“He’s made an effort for every one of my missions. One miss isn’t a big deal,” Kili said. He turned back to the stove and made his own plate. “Dis will be here in the morning to look after you. I don’t fly out until about two, so you’ve got half a day tomorrow so you can come to the airport with me.”

“I do?” Kina asked.

“I already talked to your principal,” Kili said. He buttered and syruped his stack and sat next to his niece, nudging her teasingly. “Someone’s gotta see me off.”

“Dad should be with us,” she said. “I keep thinking that something bad is going to happen cuz he’s not here.”

“Nothing bad is going to happen,” Kili said. He cut into his pancakes. “It’ll be a cakewalk. It’s a fluffy little mission of boredom, walking around and watching some fancy pants talk on his phone all day.”

Kina snickered.

“Sooooo dangerous,” Kili said, rolling his eyes, holding the fork between his teeth.

“Just promise me you’ll be careful,” Kina said, holding out her pinky.

“Of course I’ll be careful,” Kili said, wrapping his around hers. “I’m always careful.”

And as he’s dodging hands and getting yanked into an unmarked black van with a hood over his head, not sure how he became the target of this whole operation, he can’t help wishing he’d seen Fili at the airport. But he was grateful, at least, that he’d seen Kina. That he’d held her and kissed her goodbye, that they’d made a huge production out of it. 

If he couldn’t say goodbye to his boyfriend, to his brother, at least he could say bye to his niece.

Cuz this was it, wasn’t it? His luck was out. There was no getting out of this. This is how he dies, in Egypt, with the Greek Banker as his kidnapper and his cronies as his executioners.


	5. Track 5

The phone rang once, twice, three times before Fili woke up enough to fumble it off the hook.

“Hemmo?”

“Sir, this is Robert at the front desk. I wanted to let you know that four men are on their way up to your room. They said to wake you?” The man on the other end of the phone sounded nervous underneath his Southern accent.

Fili breathed in through his nose, trying to wake up, as he rubbed at his eyes. “Who?”

“They said they were from Woods Security?” the man said.

Ah, no wonder he sounded nervous, Fili thought. Having some of those guys descend in fulls Woods getup could either be a wet dream or a nightmare, depending on who was wearing it. Like Kili, Kili was…

Woods Security sending four guys to wake him up.

To him.

Fili stumbled out of bed, flailing his way to the door and throwing it open as someone he didn’t recognize was about to knock.

“What happened?” he demanded.

“Sir,” the man began.

“Where’s Kili Haegan?” he asked.

“Sir,” the man tried again.

“I want to talk to Dirk Howard,” Fili said.

Another man cleared his throat and Fili glanced at him. It was Nori, his hair pulled back in a single tight braid, and he was holding out a phone. “Beat you to it,” the man said, his smile forced and fake.

Fili took the phone and leaned against the door jam, glaring the four men down. “Dirk.”

“Nori’s got a ticket for you, Jordan’s going to drive you, the other two are going to pack you up and take care of your job,” Dirk said, phone on speaker. “I’ve already pulled Kina out of school and she’s going to meet you at the airport. I can’t get you on one of our planes right now so I had to stick you on commercial. It’s a red eye, sorry, but it’ll get you to Boston pretty fast.”

“Dirk,” Fili said again, drawing out the other’s name. He was losing his patience.

“Kili was kidnapped,” Dirk said. “Yanked off the street about three hours ago.”

Fili closed his eyes and counted to ten, three times. “He’s in Egypt.”

“Yeah.”

“On what he called a fluff job,” Fili said.

“It was,” Dirk said. “Tauriel picked it herself.”

“She fucked up.”

“Big time,” Dirk agreed.

“Why would they go after Kili?” Fili asked.

“Best guess? Someone found out about his shiny new promotion and figured now was the best time to get their hands on someone who might know all our dirty little secrets,” Dirk said. “Or they want lots of money. Woods pays nicely for us.”

“Money and information,” Fili sighed. “Great. So Kili is actually in more danger now because of this new job than he was before?”

Nori snorted. “Oh yeah, definitely. There’s a reason we lock the head honchos in their glass towers.”

Fili stared at him. “Dirk, can I punch Nori?”

“No,” Dirk said as Nori grinned at him. “He has your plane ticket. Which you need to haul ass to catch. Get changed and I’ll send someone to pick you up when you land.”

Fili frowned, looked down at the screen, and rolled his eyes when he saw Dirk had hung up. He handed it back to Nori. “All right, who’s Jordan?” The kid who kept “Sir”ing him raised his hand. “Good. You’re the driver. Nori, you have my ticket?” 

“I’ll pack a carry on while you get changed,” Nori said. “iPad, laptop, phone, book, anything else you really need?”

Fili shook his head and grabbed his jeans from last night and a fresh t-shirt off his luggage. He vanished into the bathroom to change as he heard the other guys going through the room and cleaning up. It didn’t take him long and he was shoving his feet into flip-flops as Nori handed him his messenger bag and Jordan was pushing him into the car. His things would follow later, he was assured, not that he much cared with Kili missing, but he needed to be in Boston now.

And he was, in five hours, landing in Boston and being picked up by other faceless people he didn’t know and didn’t care to. His baby girl was there, crying and clinging to him, and they huddled together in the SUV as they drove. They didn’t need words, not now, not when they had each other. They took him to the Woods Security building and up to the Ops floor where Dirk was watching the footage of Kili’s kidnapping.

Fili joined him after shooing Kina off, staring at the screen with a queasy feeling in his stomach, as Kili fought back.

A white van had pulled up on a crowded street.

Kili, having been looking around, turned.

Two men jumped out, one with a hood, the other with what looked like plastic handcuffs.

Kili tried to run but someone in the crowd blocked his escape, so he fought back. There was a flurry of punching and kicking, more people joining the fray, others running, more people coming out of the van. Kili almost getting away before someone pulled someone out and stabbed Kili with it.

“Sedative, or some sort of drug,” Dirk said quietly.

Kili staggered, trying to fight them off, before collapsing against one of his assailants. The hood went on, the cuffs were zipped up, and they pulled him into the van.

The fight had lasted less than ten minutes.

“Van was found an hour ago, torched,” Dirk said.

Fili turned to him, arms crossed against his chest, waiting.

“We’re waiting for the ransom to come in right now while we run facial on the guys we caught on camera,” Dirk said. He indicated the monitors off to the side running faces that Fili hadn’t noticed before.

“How long?” he asked.

Dirk ran a hand through his hair and shrugged. “Who knows?” he said. “Could be the next few hours, could the next few days. They’re not going to kill him, Fili, he’s too valuable.”

“No,” Fili said softly. “But they can hurt him.”

Dirk, wisely, said nothing.


	6. Track 6

Gunny was darting in and out between their legs, meowing and Kili found it hilarious. Granted, he was finding a lot of things hilarious right now, but that had to do with the bottle of cheap whiskey they were passing between each other and the e-cig they were sharing. Fili only smoked when he was drunk. Kili liked the way he tasted when he did, all honey whiskey and flavored vapor.  
   
He kept it to himself.  
   
“You know what,” Fili said, a tiny slur to his voice. “You should tell me stuff.”  
   
“Oh?” Kili asked, holding his liquor better. “Like what?”  
   
“Stuff!”  
   
Kili grinned, rolling his eyes, taking the vape back and taking a deep pull off it. “Stuff?”  
   
“Before stuff,” Fili said. “Dad stuff. Base stuff. Dirk stuff. You know, stuff!”  
   
Kili laughed, taking the whiskey away from Fili as well. “You are an adorable lightweight,” he said. “Let’s hope Kina isn’t.”   
   
Fili snorted.   
   
“So, stuff. You wanna know stuff.”   
   
Fili nodded and Kili curled up into him. Gunny jumped up on the porch swing with them and wiggled up onto their laps. “Okay. But only if you share too.”  
   
“Yeah, I can do that,” Fili said.  
   
Kili hummed softly. “Okay, what do you want to know?”  
   
“Pfft,” Fili said. “What don’t I want to know? I want to know your first kiss, first boy, first girl, first kill, first everything. I want to know more about dad, and I’ll tell you about my firsts and about mom, and about Kina and S-Sharon and college and everything else.”  
   
Kili leaned into him, considering as he puffed away. “Yeah, okay. Why not.” He thought for a moment, chewing on his lip as he did so, and smiled as he thought of something. "Okay, here's something no one but Dirk knows. And he only knows cuz he was there for the whole embarrassing event."  
   
"Oh?"  
   
"Out there, somewhere, there is a CD of me singing," Kili said, taking a healthy swig from the whiskey bottle. "I was, ugh, something like nineteen? Bunch of really bad songs I wrote, but this guy--swear he just wanted in my pants--was a producer. He knew we, me and Dirk, were looking to join up with some security firms and that I messed around with music on the side. Not that it was that serious or anything, just, you know." Kili waved a hand about, trying to ignore the way he felt the back of his neck getting hot. "I mess with music, sometimes, and I write songs, sometimes."  
   
"Didn't know it was that serious," Fili said, leaning into Kili.  
   
He shrugged. "Anyway, guy got me into a studio and I made a thing. Something like ten songs? He just told me to keep going. Took me a week, which was fine because I didn’t have a job at the time, and fuck if the guy didn't treat me nice the whole time."  
   
Fili frowned and then poked Kili in the side. "The whole time?"  
   
Kili grinned. "Well, yeah. I let him play Sugar Daddy the whole week too. And for about a month after it. Kind of lost track after the next job, the next city, the next whatever."  
   
"So you write music," Fili said, wrapping an arm around Kili's waist and tugging him close.   
   
Kili hummed and drank more whiskey. He tucked the vape away and focused on drinking. He remembered the studio, bright and big and airy, and the intense eyes of the older man on the other side of the glass. The sex had been amazing too. Dirk had been jealous back then, sneering and defiant and the jealous sex with him had been even better. Fuck he'd been such a slut for it.   
   
Eh, he still was a slut for it.  
   
He turned and kissed Fili's chin and then his cheek and finally hit his lips. "You know, forget the music. You know what I want? I want you." And he let his hand slide down to cup Fili through his pants, squeezing gently. "You too drunk to get it up for me tonight?"  
   
Fili groaned, head tipping back. "Maybe," he admitted. "But I'm not too drunk to tie you down and fuck you stupid with a toy."  
   
Kili hummed softly. That would just have to do for now. He leaned in and nuzzled Fili's throat, nibbling and kissing him. "C'mon, inside. Bedroom." He got up off the swing, setting the whiskey under the swing, and pulling Fili with him. "I wanna make some music with you tonight."


	7. Track 7 - Carry Me Home

Kili was too thin, too weak, too hurt to walk off the plane himself. Dirk had an arm around his waist and an arm holding his elbow for balance. The rest of the team who had come to rescue him--some of his, some others he had worked with in the past--hovered behind and in front of him as he slowly made his way down the stairs of the private jet.  
   
“So much trouble just for little old me,” he rasped, trying to joke.  
   
“You bet your ass,” Nori said, laughing. “What would we possibly do without you?”  
Kili almost tripped, the words stabbing into him and causing him to tense up. Which, of course, pulled at some of his stitches and he bit back the groan of discomfort. Dirk hissed something at Nori and the other man went pale. Kili tried to smile but it fell flat.  
   
He just wanted to get out of the open. He wanted to go somewhere safe. Somewhere he could just…  
   
They made it off the stairs of the jet and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Kili slumped against Dirk’s side.   
   
“I think I pulled stitches,” he muttered.  
   
“I’m sure you did,” he said, patting his shoulder. “Moron.”  
   
Kili sighed and looked around, and then he had a whole other reason for tensing.  
Fili and Kina, Dis and Dad, and other various family members who looked distraught and relieved and oh no. No.   
   
Kili felt his breathing pick up. He reached a hand to his throat and closed his eyes as he kept breathing quickly, taking in huge gulps of air. Nope, no, no way, no how. He couldn’t do that. He heard people shouting, someone saying something, hands on him, trying to say something to him, but he just kept imagining what Fili and the rest were seeing right now.  
   
He knew what he looked like.  
   
He knew what had happened.  
   
His head felt like it was splitting in two and sliding sideways. He closed his eyes and squeezed them shut.  
   
He felt someone pull away, and another person take their place, but he couldn’t stop his breathing, couldn’t--  
   
Someone grabbed his arm and he struggled, tried to get away, but then there was a needle and…  
   
“C’mon, it’s okay, it’s me,” Brett said, guiding them both down to the tarmac and sitting with him. “Sit and slowly breathe with me. I gave you a low sedative. Should knock the worst of the panic attack.” Kili squeezed his eyes shut and leaned into him. Brett tugged him close and pet his hair. “We didn’t tell them to show up. I wouldn’t have let them. I don’t know who did but I think Dirk is letting Fili have it right now. We called ahead to say you weren’t in any shape to have a huge song and dance.”  
   
“Probably thought I’d want family,” Kili said, his tongue feeling twice as large.  
   
“Do you?”  
   
Kili couldn’t help the tiny whine of distress. “Safe house? Please? I can’t, I can’t go home. I. I can’t.”  
   
Brett nodded, still stroking Kili’s hair. “Hey, Gloin!” he called. “Snag Dirk, would you? Change of plans.”  
   
=  
   
Dirk pointed down the hall, both their bags slung over his shoulder like it was no problem. “Nori’s brother, Dori, lives down the hall. I’m gonna stay with you but if I’m not here he’s here all the time. We’re both here to help.”  
   
“Go home to Sigrid,” Kili said. He felt so tired. His bones ached. His body felt as if tiny weights were attached. “I’ll be fine.”  
   
“No,” Dirk said, frowning and looking worried. “I’ve got your back, kitten. No matter what, yeah?”  
   
Kili walked into the apartment and chose a bedroom at random. He closed to door and...there was no lock. He tried not to panic. It was only Dirk out there, what did it matter.  
   
As he looked around he froze. He knew this room. He knew this apartment. He’d help set it up.  
   
He flicked the ugly as fuck painting aside and there, under it, was the gun safe. He stroked the keypad and, hesitantly, popped in the code. The light turned green and the safe opened. Inside were two Glocks, a box of ammo, two boot knives, and a couple combat knives. The idea had been to either outfit one person for a really fun showdown or get two people to safety.  
   
He trailed a finger over the handle of the Glock before picking it up, grabbing a magazine, and snapping it in. He went through the movements, loaded a bullet in the chamber, and felt calmer than he had since he had gotten yanked off the street. He even turned the safety off.  
   
He sat in the corner of the room farthest from the door, windows, and bed, and closed his eyes as the gun dangled between his knees.


	8. Track 8 - Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mild descriptions of torture

The hood came off and Kili’s head whipped back but he kept his eyes closed. He knew if he didn’t see them then they--  
   
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” his client said.  
   
Kili opened his eyes and his world changed. The man in front of him was his client, dressed in a rich three-piece suit, shined loafers, and smoking a cigar. His beard and moustache were groomed impeccably and he looked bored. He looked at Kili as if he were a bug.  
   
“You sure this is the one, Fatim?” one of the men off to the side asked.  
   
Kili tested his hands--tied to the uncomfortable chair he was sitting in, same with his legs. Ziptied, specifically, with little give. There was no way he was going to be able to get out of this one.   
   
“Yes, yes, this is the one,” the banker said. “He is in charge of the Boston office, it has been all over the darknet. He will have the information you are looking for.”  
   
Kili watched with a growing sense of horror as money exchanged hands and he was grabbed and loaded like a sack of potatoes into the back of a white van. He, and the chair, were on their sides, and Kili slumped, unable to move.  
   
He didn’t know what was going on but none of it was good. He’d just been sold to some group that apparently wanted him for something Woods knew, or had done.  
   
The good news was they wanted him alive. So far, in his book, that was the only good news.  
   
=  
   
He gasped as the wet towel was moved away from his face. “I don’t know!” he tried to shout. He couldn’t bring in enough air. He felt like he was drowning. His head was swimming, black spots floating in his vision, as he tried to rip himself free of the restraints.  
   
“Project Codename: Arkenstone. Was it completed?” a voice demanded.  
   
Kili drew a deep breath to scream as the washcloth went back over his face and instead felt the water and began to dry heave. No, no, no, he moaned inside his head, as he began to actually throw up. I can’t die this way. I can’t die like this.  
   
“Again,” a new voice said, as the dirty cloth was taken away and a new one slapped over his face.   
   
=  
   
It never stopped. The questions, the shouting, he was yanked from his cell at all hours to be shouted at, or have noise piped in, or he was shoved in the closest thing to a freezer they had.   
   
In short, they were doing their best to break him.  
   
The worst part, Kili realized, as he shook and his teeth chattered, was that it was working.  
   
He didn’t know what they were asking about with Arkenstone, had never even heard of it, or any of the other projects they shouted down at him, but he knew personnel and he knew movement and he knew money. And when they started yelling and hitting again, and they pissed on him and shoved him into the room with the board again?  
   
He hated how fast his mouth started moving.  
   
He’d been there thirteen days. He’d been counting it out, clinging to time as much as he could, needing to know he could hold out long enough for someone to find him, for someone to come get him. But thirteen days? He was starting to give up.  
   
He was breaking.  
   
He was broken.  
   
They had won.  
   
They laughed and beat him again and Kili let it happen, hardly doing more than protecting his head from their booted feet. His mind was so jumbled he couldn’t remember what he told them but he was pretty sure it was only old stuff, maybe three months old, just new enough to be exciting but just old enough to not hurt Woods. Maybe something newer was in there, maybe not. He didn’t know.  
   
He didn’t care as they dragged his bleeding body into the cold room and strung him up from the ceiling. He didn’t care that he could barely stand on his tip-toes. He hung there, eyes closed, shoulders and wrists screaming, and waited for the end to come.


	9. Track 9

Fili blinked at Balin in confusion as the other man chuckled at him. “Hunh?”  
   
“We have a new client,” the man said. “They want you to be their primary point of contact and head up their account. They are a rather large account, large business, but that's not unusual. What is unusual is hiring an outside firm to handle their image, but then again, I can understand why they’re choosing to be so unorthodox.”  
   
Fili pinched the bridge of his nose. “Balin.”  
   
“Too much, too soon?” the older man asked kindly.  
   
“Way too much without enough coffee,” Fili corrected. “You just told me you’re taking me off all but three of my accounts.”  
   
“I am,” Balin said.   
   
“I like my accounts!”   
   
“And they were quite upset to lose you,” Balin said, laying a reassuring arm around Fili’s shoulders, as they walked through the lobby and out toward the waiting town car. “However, I do believe this particular account is going to take up quite a bit of your time for the moment. Once things settle down we can talk about adding back some accounts.”  
   
Fili settled back against the plush leather seats. “This meeting better have coffee.”  
   
“These people, I have been told, run on the stuff,” Balin said with a twinkle in his eyes.  
   
Fili rubbed his forehead. “How long has this been in the works that you were able to clear my accounts so fast?”  
   
“Oh, not long,” Balin said with a shake of his head. “I got the call last night before I went home--”  
   
“You go home at six,” Fili said, eyeing him. “After the rest of us do.”  
   
“And simply made a few calls,” Balin said. He spread his hands and smiled.  
   
“This must be some client,” Fili said.  
   
Balin chuckled and patted Fili’s knee. “You’ll enjoy them. You’re familiar with the company itself and might even know a few of the faces.”  
   
Fili hummed and leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes. He needed so much coffee. He’d been up late with Kina, helping her with a history project while Kili had slept the sleep of the peacefully smug. That bastard. He was getting homework duty next time.  
   
When he next opened his eyes, he blinked, and then squinted.  
   
“Balin?” he asked.  
   
“Yes, my boy?” Balin asked, voice mild.  
   
“Why are we in front of Woods Security?  
   
“They’re your new client,” Balin said as the driver opened his door.  
   
“I’m going to kill him,” Fili said with a groan. He slid out of the car after his boss and shook his head, hands in his pockets, and tried not to give his idiot brother credit for the play. Nicely done, Kili, very nicely done.  
   
=  
   
Dirk was laughing at him. Flat. Out. Laughing.  
   
Dick.  
   
Such a dick. Why were they friends again?  
   
“Fili is going to destroy you when he gets you home,” Dirk laughed, clutching his sides as he wheezed.  
   
“It’s not that bad,” Kili protested, glancing at the window and tugging on his ponytail.  
   
“Oh man,” came another wheeze.  
   
“I know how to make you cry,” Kili warned.  
   
“You’ve been sitting on this plan of yours for months, making sure to clear it with everyone on your end, and then you just decided to spring it on the guys on his end last night while he’s on homework duty,” Dirk said.  
   
“Yeah,” Kili said. “And?”  
   
“And you are not that much of a moron,” Dirk said, pointing at him. “You did this on purpose!” Kili grinned, trying not to let it become too smug. Dirk blinked at him and let out a low whistle. “Fuck. When the hell did you get all scary?”  
   
Kili knew he cut an impressive figure in the suit he wore today--a nice charcoal with subtle black pinstripes and a burgundy tie--so the smirk and head tilt at Dirk got the whimper he intended. He deserved whimpers. He deserved so much for this suit and for this magnificent plan.  
   
Fili had been so upset lately, and rightly so, and now Kili had the perfect solution! They could work together!  
   
Granted, this was largely because Woods Security’s PR team had taken one look at him and gone “Hell to the No” and promptly fled. Apparently he had a reputation amongst them from his days as a lowly sniper. Like when the schmucks wanted him to get in front of cameras.  
Like that was ever going to happen.  
   
That was why Kili had made sure Fili was hired. He would understand! Who put snipers in front of the cameras, honestly, that was just stupid.  
   
“Sir?” his assistant, Cody, said. “Your nine a.m. is here.”  
   
“I’ll say,” Dirk muttered into his coffee, glancing through the glass wall of the conference room.  
   
Kili was thrilled and then a little hesitant. Fili wasn’t looking happy. Balin looked like he was having the best morning of his life. “Ah, Cody?” he said. “Could you make sure we have a lot of coffee brought up?”  
   
“Right away, Mr Haegan,” Cody said with a bright smile as he strode away.  
   
Fili and Balin came in, they did the meet and greet, and Fili flung himself into a chair. “You are dead,” he said.  
   
“He means to say,” Balin said with a chuckle, “that we are looking forward to working with you and your company.”  
   
“Oh, oh, oh, no, you’re really not,” Dirk started laughing.  
   
Kili frowned. “Why?”  
   
“You’re a nightmare,” Dirk said, pointing at him. “You make PR people cry.”  
   
“Do not!”   
   
“I can tell you exactly why you’re here, Fili, without this idiot opening his mouth,” Dirk said.  
   
“Oh really?” Kili asked, crossing his arms.  
   
Fili snatched at the coffee Cody brought in without a word to the young man. Cody merely smiled, handed him a bagel, and left the room.   
   
“You think if Fili’s here you can avoid the cameras and the publicity and the smiles and the lights,” Dirk taunted.  
   
Kili stared.  
   
Fili snorted, “Fuck that. I’m putting you in front of the cameras first chance I get.”  
   
Dirk laughed. “Perfect!!”  
   
God fucking dammit.


	10. Track 10

"Hey, dad?" Kina asked, twirling a pen between her fingers so like Kili it hurt. "Why won't he come home?"  
   
Fili sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. "Real answer or kid answer?" he asked.  
   
"Real answer," she said, putting the pen down. "I think I've gotten enough kid answers to my questions before. I'm almost sixteen. I know what Kili does for a living. I know he went missing. I'm not an idiot, dad, I know whatever's going on is serious."  
   
Fili sat down across from her, taking her hand. What a conversation to have after dinner. He could feel the food settling like a lead weight in his stomach. How did he explain what was going on in Kili's head when Kili wouldn't even talk to him? Everything he knew came from Dirk or Nori, not from Kili, and that was starting to get to him.  
   
"Kili…got hurt pretty bad by some really bad people," Fili said, figuring he should start off easy. "You remember how he was after Syria?" A nod. "Well, this was kind of like that. Only, I think, because he got captured and--"  
   
"They tortured him," Kina said, voice flat, squeezing Fili's hands.  
   
Fili swallowed, throat thick, and squeezed her hands back. "Yeah. You know how he is. He hates fucking things up."  
   
"Lord save us all if he messes up the coffee in the morning," Kina said with a wise nod. "And the PTSD doesn't help."  
   
"No, it, uh. It really doesn't."  
   
"So he's not coming home because he's got such bad PTSD from being captured and tortured that it's, what. Safer for all of us involved if he doesn't come home?" Kina asked.  
   
Fili remembered Kili's nightmares the last time, the knife and the emergency room, the Clinic that Kili stayed at instead. Kili wasn't the most stable person when it came to reacting to things after the fact. Was that why their dad had never made a serious push to get Kili in the military? He knew better?  
   
"He's in therapy right now," Fili said. "They're all working on it, him and Dirk and this new fellow. It'll be a good thing."  
   
"Why's Dirk going? Why aren't we?" Kina asked, frowning.  
   
Fili fished his phone out of his back pocket, pulled up the email, and showed it to her. "We will be."  
   
Kina took his phone and read through it, frowning the whole while. She didn't seem pleased but then nothing about this situation was pleasing. Some new, fancy therapist Kili was seeing was doing a weird couples-type therapy with him and the important people in his life. Dirk, as his partner, was there the most. Fili and Kina, as his family, should be there just as often, the email went on to say. The email also had reached out to Dis, Dwalin, Kirin, the rest of the family Kili didn't really deal with, and the rest of his unit.  
   
Fili didn't know how to feel about the doctor Kili was seeing but apparently he was an amazing doctor…from what the internet said. One of the best when it came to those suffering from PTSD.  
   
"I want to see him," Kina said, hanging the phone back. "I'm glad he took Gunny with him, but I don't think--"  
   
"Dirk told me there's talks of Kili needing a service dog," Fili said, giving Kina a tiny smile. He knew where her mind was going. "Since Gunny can't going with him outside and it's outside where he's really freaking out."  
   
Kina picked up her pen and started twirling it again. "Okay. So…okay. At least things are moving forward. And we might be able to see him soon."  
   
Fili smiled and reached out to ruffle her hair. "Yeah. Soon, kiddo. Soon, I hope."


	11. Track 11

Tauriel looked at her email and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.  
   
That was a figure she had not expected.  
   
“Love?” Legolas asked, leaning over her shoulder. He read the email and let out a low whistle. “Dirk Howard’s information was right then, they knew he’s your replacement.”  
   
Tauriel nodded tiredly, leaning back into her husband. “It was the client,” she told him. “He was double dealing. We didn’t screen him well enough, not until it was too late.”  
   
Legolas winced. “I’ll pass it up the chain.”  
   
“I already did,” Tauriel said. “As soon as I found out I sent it up. Your father was less than pleased. The ransom has already been paid, as far as I know, but--”  
   
“Then why are you still staring at it?”  
   
“Because I did this to him,” she said, turning to look at Legolas. Her unbound hair fell into her eyes as she frowned, brow furrowing. She was starting to get frown lines. “I wanted to retire a little with you, start a family, have a little more of a life so I dumped this job on him and put him in more danger. I knew how much he enjoyed the field and knew he’d want one last hurrah. Who could blame him? So I let him. I knew I should have denied it once word started spreading for this very reason!”  
   
“Did you know this would happen?” Legolas asked, cupping her chin gently. His blue eyes were kind as he watched her seriously in the dim light of the study.  
   
“No,” she said quietly.  
   
“Did you know the client would be dirty?”  
   
“No.”  
   
“Did you have even a flicker of doubt that his life or person would be in jeopardy?” Legolas asked.  
   
Tauriel slumped in her chair, reached out to pull her hair out behind her and started to braid it loosely. “No,” she said. “I knew none of this. I had a suspicion and I warned him of the dangers but he dismissed them. He always dismisses them.”  
   
“Then you did what you could and you should not beat yourself up over them,” he said, kissing her forehead. “Come to bed. Either the ransom will be picked up and our boy will be released in the morning or he won't. And if he's not, well. We do know how to scorch the earth if we need to."  
   
Tauriel glanced one last time at her laptop and sighed as she closed the lid.  
   
Kili was not released in the morning.


	12. Track 12 - Unsteady

Kili squared his shoulders and walked through his front door, holding the leash to Grayson tightly as he did. Grayson, the German Sheppard service dog Bilbo had gotten him, behaved perfectly. It was Kili who felt like he was going to go to pieces, until the dog bumped into him and looked up at him soulfully.  
   
"Yeah, yeah," he sighed, reaching down to ruffle Grayson's ears. "I got it. Out of my head."  
   
Dirk was behind him, carrying his duffle and Gunny's carrying case, and closed the door. "Ready to be home?"  
   
"No," Kili said quietly. "Yes? I don't know…"  
   
"You can take as much time as you'd like," Fili said, hovering in the doorway.  
   
Kili turned, heart starting to jack-hammer in his chest, and shook his head. "Been months," he said after a few awkward moments of silence. "I'm okay." He winced. "Well, okay, I'm not okay, but I'm okay enough to come home and not flip my shit."  
   
Dirk nodded. "I can back that up."  
   
Kili rolled his eyes. "You cannot, jackass. You can back up the fact you stole my gun and have harassed me into eating and drinking and going to therapy like a normal human being. That does not say I'm not going to flip."  
   
Fili was smiling. "What does say it, then?"  
   
"Grayson," Kili said with a tiny smile. "Bilbo. Unbiased third parties. I'm, uh, willing to make this work. So, you are too, right?" Fili nodded. "Cool. So we can, you know, work this out together."  
   
"Mom's here," Fili said. "And Dwalin and dad and Kina. I kept the uncles at bay."  
   
Kili tried not to panic but he did take a step back to put his back against the door. "Oh?" he asked, voice tight. "That's…that's good. Good. I owe Kina some serious love for finding Bilbo."  
   
"Fuck that, we all owe that kid some serious love," Dirk said. "You had us all scared."  
   
"Still a little scared," Fili said with a smile.  
   
"Good," Kili said, huffing out a sigh. "I'm scared too."  
   
Fili reached out, keeping it slow, and took Kili's hand. "Can we be scared together? Would, I, would that work? If we be scared together and you let me know when I can help you?"  
   
Kili nodded. "And then we've got Dirk, for when we both fuck up."  
   
"Oy," Dirk said, scowling.   
   
"Instant dictionary," Kili continued. "He can translate traumatized human into normal speech and normal speech into traumatized human."  
   
"Also good in disarming traumatized humans, from what I hear," Fili said, smiling and squeezing Kili's hand.  
   
"It wasn't loaded," Kili said with a shrug and a carefree attitude he didn't feel.  
   
"Which didn't make me feel that much better, trust me," Dirk said. "C'mon, let's get your stuff into the guest--"  
   
Kili hesitated.  
   
"Can we…?" He glanced at Fili. "I mean. I know I said guest room but could we try a night?"  
   
Fili and Dirk stared at him.  
   
"Just a night. To see. I want." Kili felt himself deflate and looked away, hand tightening on Grayson's lead. The dog, sensing Kili's rising anxiety, knocked into his legs and gave him a baleful doggy look. "Right," Kili murmured softly. "Baby steps. Guest room for now, we'll figure the rest out later."  
   
"O-kay then," Dirk said. "Want me to just dump the bags and let Gunny out?"  
   
Kili let go of Fili's hand and squatted down next to Grayson, hiding his face in the dog's soft fur. "Yes, please," he muttered.  
   
"I'll, uh, go help," Fili said softly. Kili didn't need to look to know how bewildered he looked.   
   
Kili looped his arms around Grayson and held on.


	13. Track 13

“I’m sorry, you want me to what?” Kili asked, staring at Taurel.  
   
Tauriel tapped the stack of folders on her desk. “Don’t play coy, Kili. You’ve been doing my job for a year now.”  
   
Kili scratched the back of his neck.  Well, yeah, he had been, but he hadn't expected to get a promotion out of it. He was just doing what Fili wanted, staying out of the action, and Tauriel's job was interesting. She got to play with all the fun toys and it was closest to a sniper's job.  
   
Sitting back with all the computers he could see each and very position and make calls based on who was where and say do this or that now or then. He'd been doing it out of habit and entertainment value, not out of a need to prove himself better (which Dirk had tried to call him on once or twice).  
   
"I want you to actually do my job now," Tauriel said. "I'm going to retire, enjoy my marriage. Maybe have a baby, thank medical science, or make someone else carry it, who knows. Or I'll be bored to death inside six months and come storming back in and tell you to get back in the field, who knows. But you have a good head for strategy and numbers and I want to actually put it to use instead of trying to get you shot dead."  
   
"Gee, thanks, I really appreciate that," Kili said with a sigh.  
   
"Besides, you have a teenager you're helping to raise. You'll need all the stability you can get right there," Tauriel said with a smile. "A stable income, stable job, no real foreign or domestic deployments…"  
   
"One condition," Kili said, trying to smile. At her nod he huffed. "One more deployment? One more op? I'm so bored. I need something to spice my life up."  
   
Tauriel snickered. "Yeah, I can arrange that."  
   
"Awesome. Now, that's a huge stack of files. I think you better talk fast."


	14. Track 14

Kina watched as her dad ended the call with whoever it was this time--Dirk, Nori, one of the others--and then whip the phone almost faster than she could see at the wall. Surprisingly the phone did not shatter, or break, or anything. It just bounced a few times and lay flat on the hardwood floor.  
   
Kina felt her heart racing and stayed still. Her dad didn't have much of a temper to speak of, not usually, but he was getting more and more agitated lately. It didn't help that the one time he'd shown up to try and muscle his way in to see Kili that it hadn't gone well. At all.  
   
Apparently her uncle knew how to basically disappear from a locked room with no windows. He was definitely going to have to teach her that some time when all this way over.  
   
"What's wrong?" Kina asked, looking down at her tablet--she had research reading to do--and not watching her dad.  
   
"He fired another shrink," Fili said. "And now won't come out to eat or drink. Or anything. He's even locked Gunny out."  
   
Kina's heart twisted; Kili loved that silly cat. Gunny worked wonders on his sleep, letting her uncle actually get through the nights, and petting the cat would help get him through some of the worst of the panic attacks he still sometimes had from Syria. If Gunny wasn't helping? How could a therapy cat not be able to help someone?  
   
Well, duh. When the trauma was too severe and too new to be overcome.  
   
Gunny had taken time to be worked into everything and Kili had fought tooth and nail against a lot of what happened in Syria. His treatment for what had happened wasn't orthodox because he wasn't orthodox. Kina wandered if the four doctors Kili had been to had been too traditional, too uptight, and that was what the problem was. The physical was pretty much fine, from what her dad said, but the mental? That was a hot ass mess.   
   
Her dad went and got his phone, sighing. "At least it didn't break," he said.   
   
"This is why we have insurance," Kina said with a grin. "For when I drop mine and when you throw yours."  
   
"Smartass," Fili muttered, smiling.  
   
Kina licked her lips, trying not to be smug, and opened a new tab on her tablet. She wasn't going to get any research done for her paper but maybe she could do some other type of research. She was older, now, that she had been during the whole Syria debacle. She could actually change things, maybe even help things along.  
   
As she looked through the names of doctors, one caught her attention. He was even located in Boston.   
   
Perfect.


	15. Track 15

“You sure you can’t come?” Kili asked, rubbing the back of his neck.  
   
“I’m going to be in meetings the whole day,” Fili said. He wasn’t even looking at Kili, he was writing something off to the side of the screen. “You know I’d be there if I could. Just like I’ve been there for all the rest.”  
   
Kili rolled his eyes. “Yes, as much as you’ve loved each and every single one of them.”  
   
Fili poked his camera with his pen. “Not fighting with you,” he said, voice stern.  
   
“We’re not fighting! I’m not fighting!” Kili protested. “I’m just commenting that--”  
   
Fili gave the camera a look that made Kili sigh.   
   
“Fine, maybe I was picking a fight,” he said. “I miss you. Kina misses you. Dis came up today and she was fussing and she misses you.”  
   
“Pot, kettle,” Fili said, smiling. He went back to his writing. “How’s it feel to be the one left behind for once?”  
   
“It sucks, all right?” Kili said. He leaned back on the bed and wiggled in his pile of pillows. “I don’t know how you do it and stay sane. I know you’re safe but I still don’t like you being somewhere I have no idea about the security of.”  
   
“Control freak,” Fili muttered, though it wasn’t low enough for the mic to miss.  
   
“I heard that,” Kili scolded.   
   
Fili glanced at the camera, smiling. Kili felt his heart stutter in his chest. “So, what, this is a week and then you’re home?” Kili nodded. “About the same time I’ll be home, then. We can ask mom to take Kina for an extended girls’ thing and we can have the house to ourselves for a weekend.”  
   
Kili closed his eyes and smiled. The house to themselves for a whole weekend? The trouble they could get up to. The sex they could have. The noise they could make with no teenager to worry about.  
   
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Kili said.  
   
“Good,” Fili said. “Now, you should get to bed. Don’t you have a plane to catch in the morning?”  
   
Kili rolled his eyes and shut the laptop. Jerkface.


	16. Track 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal Thoughts

Kili slouched in his chair, trying to ignore how squishy and comfortable it was, stacked with pillows and a throw, as he glared at the short man with curly blond hair. The other man was simply sitting there, sipping his tea, and watching Kili in quite contemplation.  
   
"What?" Kili finally snapped after twenty minutes of silence.  
   
"Do any of your friends or family realize you're carrying a loaded weapon?" Dr Baggins asked.  
   
Kili stared at him. "Excuse me?"  
   
"Leg holster," the short, rather round man said. He gestured to Kili's left leg with his tea cup. "Left leg. Same leg, I believe, that was injured in Syria?"  
   
"Fuck you," Kili snapped.  
   
Dr Baggins smiled. "How many times have you thought bout using it on yourself?"  
   
"You're an asshole."  
   
"It's a perfectly natural reaction," the man said.  
   
"What would you know?" Kili said, crossing his arms.  
   
"Quite a bit, actually," the man said.  "But this is about you, Kili, not me. Tell me, why are you so ashamed?"  
   
"Fuck you, I'm not ashamed. I did nothing wrong."  
   
"No, you didn't."  
   
"Damned straight!"  
   
"Then why are you carrying a loaded weapon?"  
   
"Go to hell," Kili muttered,  slouching further.  
   
"Been there, thank you, I did not enjoy the trip. How many bullets are in the chamber?"  
   
"Why the fuck do you care? You're just some goddamned looney the company is paying to make sure I'm not a liability. Sign the damned paperwork, clear their minds, let me go, and everyone will be all the happier for it."  
   
"How many bullets do you have?"  
   
"Blow me."  
   
"I'd rather leave that to your brother," Bilbo said seriously.  
   
Kili stared at him.  
   
The doctor sipped his tea and, reaching over to check something on a notebook, nodded. "I believe that's correct, isn't it? Or so I was informed by a few parties. Fili Durn and you are brothers, though this is not a fact you acknowledge publicly for many reasons.  The least of which is that you were both already in a deeply committed relationship when you were made aware of your familial ties."  
   
"Shut up," Kili whispered.  
   
"Now, how many bullets do you have?" Baggins asked him again.  
   
"Two boxes."  
   
"Do you plan to use those bullets? Or the gun?"  
   
"Maybe," Kili said, clearing his throat and looking away. Who the hell had talked? "A few parties"? Dirk knew, who else had said anything? Fili wouldn't, not if his life--or Kili's--depended on it. Why would anyone say anything to a doctor Kili was probably just going to get rid of?  
   
"Why?" Baggins asked.  
   
Kili looked back at him. "Why what?"  
   
"Why would you use the gun? Would you use it on yourself? Someone else? I'm getting the vibe that, at the moment, it's more of a safety blanket more than anything else, but you seem to be at a tipping point. Mr Haegan, do you want to die?"  
   
Kili felt the question like someone had punched him in the chest. Did he want to die? He…  
   
He didn't know.  
   
"I? I…"  
   
Kili let his head fall into his hands and took a shuddering breath. Did he want to die?  
   
He couldn't look in the mirror. He'd broken any he'd come across (his hands were still wrapped from the last one he'd punched). He couldn't sleep through the night without thinking about who might have died from his carelessness, from the secrets he'd spilled. But he was human. He was only human. He wanted to live because that's what humans did--they lived.  
   
But he hated his very existence. He couldn't stand to be near anyone, not his friends or his family, and taking comfort in any way set his teeth on edge. He didn't deserve any kindness or any forgiveness because of what he had done. Because he had given in.  
   
"Yes," he whispered, looking at the doctor.  
   
Baggins nodded, setting down his teacup. "Our time's up for today. I expect to see you back here in two days. I will be informing Mr Hamilton that you are armed. Whether he leaves your weapons, as I doubt you would leave yourself with access to only the one, with you or not is up to him."  
   
Kili felt himself start to shake and nodded. He got up and made himself walk to the door, made himself walk past Dirk, and down to the car.  
   
"How long?" Dirk asked when he joined him.  
   
"I set up the safe house," Kili said. "Including the weapons vault."  
   
Dirk swore softly and Kili hunched in on himself.  
   
"Day fucking one?" He demanded. "Kili, babe, really? You… Fuck. I thought." Dirk punched the center console, swearing again and shaking out his hand. "I thought you were getting better. I thought things were going to be okay."  
   
"I don't think I'm ever going to be okay," Kili whispered.  
   
Dirk turned to stare at him, looking like Kili had just shot his kids in front of him. Kili turned away.  
   
"Kitten…"  
   
"Can we go back now?" Kili asked. "Just, I don't want to be here. I'd rather be back at the apartment."  
   
"I need to tell Fili," Dirk said.  
   
Kili flinched. "Please don't," he said. "He's got enough shit from all of this to deal with. He doesn't need to know how fucked up I really am."  
   
"Kili."  
   
"Please."  
   
Dirk let out a groan and turned the car on. "Fine. You turn over the gun and I won't tell him."  
   
Kili felt himself start to shake again. "No," he said.  
   
Dirk watched him, eyes narrowed. "You'd rather Fili knows you'd rather eat a bullet than hand over a gun?"  
   
It made no sense, no reasonable sense, but one of those options would destroy Fili but Kili had the nauseated feeling that the other would undo him. "I can't," he whispered.  
   
Dirk's jaw clenched and he turned the car on and pulled out of the parking lot. "You won't, not can't."  
   
"I can't," Kili repeated, firmer this time.  
   
"Haegen, there is not a lot out there you can't do but there is an encyclopedia of shit you won't."  
   
Kili hunched in on himself and leaned against the door. He wanted to fall apart. He wanted…   
   
He wanted Fili.  
   
He didn't deserve Fili.   
   
He didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve to live.   
   
He closed his eyes and choked back the tears and listened to Dirk breathe as he drove, hoping the other man would lose control of the car and end them both to just…take control away from Kili in the first place. It'd be better then, wouldn't it? If the control was taken away and he died in an accident? It would be better.   
   
It would be better.  
   
Wouldn't it?


	17. Track 17 - Remix - Naked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst - "Remix" chapter titles are Kili flashback scenes. "Acoustic" will be Fili flashback scenes.

Kili gasped, trying not to giggle too loudly, as the other man stripped his shirt off in some bad imitation of porn. "Smooth," he teased, hands sliding up the tan skin of the man hovering over him.   
   
"Nothing but the best for you, sweetheart," he said, the black hair ruffled this way and that from his shirt.  
   
"What's your name again?" Kili asked, leaning up to kiss him. They were spread out in the back of the guy's pickup on some really awful blankets and fuck was this going to cause some hellish bruising. Then again, that cock in Kili's hand was making him think it was gonna be real worth it.  
   
"What's it matter?" the guy asked. "You gonna see me again after this?"  
   
"We work in the same building," Kili muttered, pushing the guy over and down so he could straddle the idiot.  
   
"We do?" the guy asked.  
   
Kili stared at him. "You seriously have no idea who I am."  
   
"A very hot piece of ass I want to bury my dick in," the man said instantly.  
   
Kili blinked down at him and cracked up. Okay, well, he could hardly argue with that. He pulled off his own shirt and they both went after Kili's jeans, getting them off with minimal amounts of flailing.  
   
"So I work with you, hunh?" the guy said, leaning down to suck and bite at Kili's chest. "Interesting."  
   
"Fuck interesting," Kili growled, kicking at him.  
   
"Bossy," the man laughed.   
   
He grabbed lube, slicked up and oh, Kili saw stars. It hurt, doing this in a truck bed with barely any padding on his knees, but the line of warmth and the sheer power of the man behind him was worth it. There was nothing but gasping and grunting and swears for more or to move. Hands grabbed and slapped and nails dragged and Kili couldn't remember a time when he felt more on fire than he did at that moment.  
   
When he came it was wordlessly, back arching so hard the other man swore and grabbed his hips hard enough to give him bruises that lasted for almost a week, and he moaned at the end. He didn't mind when the unnamed man rearranged him and used him as he wanted, only moving to brace himself better, and even that made him grin lazily.   
   
He loved fantastic sex.  
   
He did not appreciate what came next.  
   
Being dropped off back the bar with a kiss and a "See ya, jailbait."  
   
Kili seethed.   
   
So that's what it felt like to be on the other side of a one-night stand. Fuck that. Fuck that so hard. He was going to track down his fuckface of a coworker and make him choke on his cock. He was going to make that man blow him and then wear his come. He was going to do so many things…  
   
Once he found that asshole.


	18. Track 18 - F'ing Perfect

Kili knocked on Kina's door and pushed it open when she called out to him. He gave a tiny wave when she looked at him from the bed, watching him in that quiet way she had now, and leaned in her doorway.  
   
"You can come in you know," she said.  
   
"Wasn't sure," he said. "You've been kind of quiet around me."  
   
"Ditto," she said.  
   
"Fair enough," Kili said. He slipped into her room, closing the door a little, and sat on her bed next to her. "I wanted to thank you."  
   
"For what?" Kina asked. She was fiddling with some embroidery thread she had safety pinned to her jeans, halfway through a rainbow chevron friendship bracelet.  
   
"Finding Bilbo," Kili said. "He's helped, a lot. I don't know what, or where, I'd be without him. Probably not here."  
   
Kina was quiet as she went back to knotting the threads. "I don't think I've ever seen dad so wrecked as when Dirk told him you had a gun and that you were suicidal."  
   
Kili snorted. "It wasn't Dirk's place to tell him."  
   
"Wasn't like it you were talking to us," Kina said. "I mean, look." She looked up. "We're all a bit broken in this family. All of us. Dad's really good at hiding it. You, not so much. Me? I'm really, really good at it because that's what teenagers are supposed to be. We're hot messes on a good day."  
   
Kili spotted Kina's craft box and snagged it closer, pulling out his own safety pin, scissors, and thread. He was rusty at this friendship bracelet stuff, but he still remembered the basics on setting one up. "You ever been really, really guilty about something?"  
   
"Breaking one of mom's cameras," Kina said instantly.   
   
Kili nodded. "I thought I had gotten people killed because I told someone something I shouldn't have."  
   
"You didn't," Kina said, her next knot vicious.  
   
"Took me a long time to get over the guilt to get that through my head," Kili said. "I have a lot of demons in me, kiddo. A lot of them…" Kili huffed, messing up some of his knots and undoing them carefully. "How to describe them... Some of them are from being around the military from such a young age, some of them from needing to be the perfect son, the perfect everything, and some of them just hard wiring."  
   
"Hard wiring sucks," Kina said.  
   
"You learn," Kili said with a shrug. "Sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to get over some of it, sometimes you find someone who makes the hard wiring worth it."  
   
"You still wanted to die," Kina said, looking at him.  
   
"I didn't try it, though," Kili said, trying to smile. And lied like his ass was on fire. "Plenty of chances and never once did I take it. Filled with hate and I still hung on."  
   
"I love you, you know," Kina said.  
   
"I love you too, munchkin," Kili said, ducking his head and knotting.   
   
They were quiet for a moment as they continued to knot in silence.  
   
"You're perfect, you know," Kili finally said. "You don't need to be anything but yourself, not to me or your dad, to your friends, to the world, to anyone. You just need to be yourself. Whether it's too loud, too quiet, too wild, too subdued, whatever you want to be, whenever you want to be it, it's fine. We love you no matter what. And the world, well. They'll get there too."  
   
Kina was quiet for a moment before she nudged him with her knee. "Ditto."


	19. Track 19

Kili slammed the door in Dirk's face. He was shaking. He was fucking shaking. He wasn't shaking, he was trembling.  
   
Fuck.  
   
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.  
   
Oh fuck.  
   
He dug his hands into his hair, clutching at the long strands and trying to breathe. Yes, breathing. Breathing was good. He breathed like Bilbo was teaching him to breathe.  
   
Like--  
   
Like he couldn't breath because there was a wet towel over his mouth.  
   
He dropped to his knees, gagging, drowning, clawing at his throat.  
   
He'd talked and now he was paying for it. Oh god. Oh fuck. How could he? He just. He shouldn't have! He'd gotten someone killed and and and oh fuck.  
   
He scrambled to his bed, knocking his pillow loose, and grabbed the gun laying there. He could feel his heart speeding, slowing, speeding, slowing? What was it doing? What was his body doing? His head was spinning.  He clutched the gun to his chest, eyes closed, just trying to breathe.  
   
Breathe.  
   
And then he heard the shout.  
   
And hands.  
   
And Kili looked up, startled, to Dirk knocking him over and grabbing the gun away from him.  
   
Dirk looked panicked, terrified, as he dismantled the gun in seconds.  
   
"'s not loaded," Kili said hoarsely.  
   
Dirk looked down at the pieces of the gun, at the lack of magazine, and then at Kili.  
   
"Can't breathe," Kili whispered, trying to swallow.  
   
Dirk kicked aside the gun pieces and grabbed Kili, holding him close, and started kissing his face. "You stupid shit," he growled. "You stupid fucking shit. You scared the. You. I. What the fuck would I have. You. I.  Don't ever scare me like that again!" The last said with a full-body shake.  
   
Kili's chest constricted, his head throbbing, and he started crying. "She DIED," he said brokenly. "I killed her!"  
   
Dirk crushed him against him, holding him so tightly Kili felt like his ribs were going to crack, like he was going to turn to paste and be smeared into Dirk's jacket, like Dirk was trying to merge their bodies into one being. "You did what you had to do to survive. She was overdue and knew the risks. You didn't kill her. You didn't do anything wrong. You're alive. You're home. You're safe. You did nothing wrong."  
   
"I killed her," Kili whispered, trying to get his hands free to punch his friend. "I KILLED her!"  
   
"Shh," Dirk whispered, holding him tighter.  
   
"No!" Kili wailed. "I killed her, don't you get it? I killed her!"  
   
"You'd be a shit sniper if you'd never killed anyone," Dirk said. "Do you care about all of them?"  
   
"…no," Kili said, still struggling.  
   
"Then why do you care?"  
   
Kili froze, his struggles ceasing. Dirk cuddled him close, rocking him gently, kissing his temple, as Kili started to cry.  
   
"I killed her," he said. "I broke, Dirk, I fucking broke. I talked and talked and I broke and told them things and now people are dead."  
   
Dirk tightened his grip and kept kissing Kili's face, nuzzling his hair, and rocking them together. "Shh, Kitten. You didn't kill anyone. You were brave. You were so brave."  
   
"I killed them," Kili cried.  
   
"Shh," Dirk murmured.  
   
Kili pressed his face into Dirk's chest and sobbed.


	20. Track 20

Kili hesitated, not wanting to actually leave the safety of the safe house, but he was shaking so badly. There was no one around and he knew what he needed. He did, he knew what he needed, what he craved, what he wanted so bad he wanted to claw his skin off to get to it.  
   
Dirk and the others had been good about stocking the house with food, booze, and anything else Kili might actually need but they didn’t know what he wanted. Well, maybe Dirk would, but it was a personal sort of errand.  
   
No, not that type.  
   
As he pulled on a large and bulky black sweatshirt he tried not to think about how much weight he had lost so far. He had been back Stateside three weeks now but he was still jittery and, well. He knew he wasn’t getting better. He might even be getting worse.   
   
He had allowed his team near him because, honestly, they had been there to get him out. They had his back. They knew. They got it. He hadn’t been able to go home to his actual home with Fili and Kina and the family he knew was waiting there. He knew his dad was there, he knew Dis and Dwalin were there. Hell, he even knew that Thorin and Frerin were there, trying to act more like his uncles since the cat was well and truly out of the bag--thanks, Dirk.  
   
But the thought of going home? Sent him into corners with a gun in his hand, shaking, broken down to reciting lyrics to keep his mind from doing anything else.  
   
Kili needed to relax, in a big way, before he did something stupid like put that gun in his mouth and pull the trigger to put everyone out of their misery. Of course if he did that then Fili would be pissed, which would make Kina pissed, which would anger Dirk, and it would just snowball from there. Somewhere along the line someone knew a Voodoo priestess and that would not end well for him.  
   
So he kept his mouth shut.  
   
Literally.  
   
He hunched his shoulders, checking his phone for the address as he walked, hyperaware of everything around him. He just needed to get to where he needed to go and then he could go back to the apartment and he would be fine. He could do this. He was an adult. A grown-ass man.  
   
Someone slammed into him. “Hey, watch it, freak!”  
   
Kili pressed up against the building and closed his eyes, trying to keep his breathing even. He was too exposed. Why did he think this was a good idea? He wasn’t armed--he’d left the gun at home, along with the various knives--and the street was so open with cars and people and why had he thought this was a good idea?  
   
He clutched at his phone tightly, hesitating. He could call Dirk. He’d get his ass reamed but Dirk would come get him, but he’d have to wait in the same spot for Dirk to come get him. And who knew how long that would leave him exposed to whoever or whatever was in the area.  
   
No.  
   
Keep moving.  
   
Follow the mission plan.  
   
Kili took a deep breath and started walking again. He kept his eyes down, fixed on the sidewalk, clutching his phone tightly in one hand, and stuck as far away from the street as possible.  
   
When he got to the smoke shop he sagged a little in relief as he entered.  
   
=  
   
Dirk stared at him as he puffed away. “Where…?”  
   
“Down the street there’s a vape shop,” Kili said, removing the cigarette from his mouth. “Much as I love Marlboros or American Spirits? This just makes more sense.”  
   
Dirk sniffed the air. “What is that?”  
   
Kili handed the vape off to him. “Try it. It’s 3mg, so it’s pretty low, but I’ve...got a lot. And some web sites to try.”  
   
Dirk took it, giving him an odd look, and took a quick pull. He coughed and handed it back. “Fuck. That’s strong.”  
   
“Vanilla tobacco,” Kili said. He smiled, calm. He held out a hand, the shaking minimal. Dirk arched a brow. “So I guess I’m smoking again.”  
   
“Fili’s gonna love that.”  
   
“He can go suck an egg,” Kili muttered.  
   
Dirk stared at him and went back to fixing dinner. “You know, Sigrid has been over there a lot lately, talking to them. Trying to make them all understand why--”  
   
“Why I’m such a fucking mess?” Kili said, glancing down at his lap. “That’s pretty easy.”  
   
“I was going to say,” Dirk said slowly, carefully, “why you won’t see them.”  
   
“Covered under why I’m a mess,” Kili said, waving a hand as he took another drag off the cigarette. He tilted his head back and tried to blow rings but there was too much smoke. He snickered and just blew out the air.  
   
“Right,” Dirk said. “Under why you’re a mess. Except, kitten, you’re not that much of a mess. You went outside today. You were able--”  
   
“It took me one hour to go one block, back and forth,” Kili said. “Half hour each way.”  
   
Dirk hesitated, glancing at him. “What?”  
   
Kili gestured. “Vape store. Right next to the liquor store.”  
   
“That little hole in the wall?” Dirk asked.  
   
“Mmhm,” Kili said. “You want to know how far it is? My phone said it was seven hundred feet from the apartment. Seven. Hundred. Feet. Took me half an hour.” Kili could see Dirk calculating it in his head, trying to figure out how that could even be possible, saw the shoulders slump and saw him realize how it could be. “It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose.”  
   
“I know,” Dirk said. He sighed and reached out, ruffling Kili’s hair. “Would you humor me on something?”  
   
“Maybe,” Kili said, taking a big drag off the cigarette and holding it in his lungs.  
   
“Let Fili bring Gunny here,” Dirk said. “And speak to Fili instead of hiding like you would instead.”  
   
Kili bit his lip, letting the smoke escape from his nose, mentally pretending he was a dragon. Gunny would be good. He’d missed his cat, plus--therapy cat! Always a good thing. Fili, though? Fili?   
   
“When?” Kili asked.  
   
“Whenever,” Dirk said, voice casual.  
   
Kili puffed away, thinking, as Dirk continued to cook. His thoughts were like a black hole, pulling him in and refusing to let him out. Fili was...Fili was everything. He was the Before. Kili, in a way, didn’t want to mess with that. He wanted to keep Fili Before.  
   
He knew that was messed up, no shrink needed.  
   
“You’re gonna sic Sigrid on me at some point, aren’t you?” Kili asked.  
   
“No,” Dirk said. “Tauriel has another doctor for you, she said.”  
   
Kili sighed. “Yeah, okay. Fine. Let Fili bring him over and I won’t hide.”  
   
Dirk nodded and placed a plate of food in front of him. “Next task, actually finish your food.”  
   
Kili tried not to gag.


	21. Track 21 - I'm Not Famous

"Fucking ridiculous diva, get your nightmarish ass in front of those fucking cameras," Fili swore violently at Kili. He tugged this way and that at the suit he'd practically dressed his brother in, ignoring the bitching Kili had subjected him to, and shoved cards into his hand. "You are to stick to these. Say only what is on these, you got it? Hell spawn, I swear to fuck, no blow jobs for a month if you deviate and fuck this up."  
   
"I bet you sweet talk all your clients that way," Kili sneered, furious. He reached back to adjust his ponytail and was promptly swatted by one of Fili's assistants. Kili growled at them and, if it was any other situation, Fili would normally be extremely turned on.  
   
Right now, though, Woods Security was under fire and Kili was about to be public enemy number one as the face of the Boston office. And there was no way his demon brother was going to pull this off. He was a PR Nightmare--capitals deserved.  
   
"It's time," someone from production called.  
   
"Kili," Fili began. Kili silenced him with a quick kiss before stepping away.  
   
Kili rolled his shoulders under the suit, straightened his back, and stepped onto the stage and raised platform. He wore a somber expression with eyes that actually made Fili a little weak in the knees with the focus and fierceness in them. Those were sniper eyes. Fili didn't see them very often because the few times Fili had accompanied Kili to the gun range had ended in car sex…and almost getting caught.  
   
Kili didn't need the cards. He improvised the entire thing, smiling and being charming when needed but somber and stern when it called for it. Yes, there was a situation with several Woods Security teams and the possibility of war crime charges. Yes, these teams have been suspended and Woods Security is cooperating with international law as demanded. Yes, Woods Security was the one to report these incidents in the first place and hopes that other companies will follow their lead and keep close eyes on their own teams and report any suspicious activities to the international courts. No, Margery, I'm not single.  
   
"What the fucking hell?" Fili whispered, turning to stare at Dirk.  
   
"I quit," Jessie, Fili's assistant said, hands in the air. "I quit. This client is a nightmare. I don't care that he's basically your husband, he's nucking futs."  
   
Dirk was trying not to snicker. "Angel in front of the cameras, complete mess for you guys. Don't you love him?"  
   
Fili growled. "I'm going to fucking kill him. Nightmare fucking ridiculous evil diva." He continued cursing Kili as the press questioned the other man and his smooth brother didn't fumble, not once.   
   
He'd be proud, if he wasn't so pissed.


	22. Track 22 - Lost In My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnd apparently this is completely not in the same order as it is on tumblr. OOPS? whatever...

Fili turned the light off in the bathroom and paused, staring at the sight before him.

Kili was in their bed, his back toward Fili, but in bed. Grayson was at his feet, looking sleepy and utterly unimpressed. From what Fili could see, his brother was wearing a baggy t-shirt but had the covers pulled up, but he was in their bed.

"Kili?" Fili asked.

"I get lost in my mind," Kili said softly. "But I'm safe to sleep with."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"I miss you," Kili said.

"Kili."

"Please," came the broken whisper.

Fili closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. He made his way to bed, turning out lights and shutting curtains as he went. He turned back the covers and climbed in, hesitating before slipping an arm around Kili's waist.

"You sure?" he asked.

"Yes."

Fili nodded and let his arm be the only point of contact between them. They lay there, the silence stretching out between them, and Fili sighed.

"You're not the only one who gets lost in their mind," he admitted.

Kili went stiff and then turned, slowly, broadcasting his intentions in case Fili wanted to stop him. Fili, though, didn't know if he did or didn't, and merely let Kili move without interference. He let Kili cup his face, running careful thumbs along his cheekbones, and lean in to kiss him.

"Can…can we try?" Kili asked, sounding so broken. "I know I fucked up. I know that--that I hurt you. That Dirk said some things to you that. That… I just. Can we?"

Fili caught Kili's hands in one of his and leaned in to touch his forehead to Kili's. "You have me, love. Always and forever. We got through this once before. We can get through it again.”


	23. Track 23

Kili was curled up in a corner of the couch, knees pulled up to his chest as he watched Bilbo through the fringe of his overgrown hair. He needed a haircut. He liked his hair long but he usually trimmed it, kept it neat, but this was messy. He wasn't... he hadn't been vain, per se, but he had definitely taken pride in himself.   
   
He couldn't do that anymore.  
   
"I heard some disturbing news from Dirk," Bilbo said.  
   
Kili looked away.  
   
"Let's talk about safety," Bilbo said. "You don't feel safe."  
   
Kili tugged at the messy ponytail he had tossed his hair into. Safe? What the hell was that? He didn't understand what the word even meant anymore.  
   
"Can you tell me the last time you felt safe?" Bilbo asked, tapping the edge of his notebook with his fountain pen.  
   
Fountain pens. Kili couldn't believe it, honestly. Who used fountain pens in this day and age? Then again, Bilbo was a strange, odd duck.  
   
"I don't know," Kili said, honestly. That's why he was here, after all. To be honest. "Panic attacks, not being able to sleep, needing a weapon, feeling like I'm always being watched? That feels like it's always been my life."  
   
"Has it?"  
   
Kili played with his hair, examining the split ends he could see. "No."  
   
"Kili," Bilbo said gently. "You seem to know the tricks of my trade quite well. Have you had much experience with therapists?"  
   
Kili bit back a grin. "Panic attacks as a kid. Dad slapped me on a couch every chance he could. Military therapists."  
   
"Does having a weapon make you feel safe?" Bilbo asked. "Not that we're about to give you one back but I'm curious about your mindset."  
   
Kili was silent for a moment, letting his hair slip through his fingers. "I'm not going to spin some woe-is-me tale about being the small, skinny kid with a big mouth," Kili said. "Or even about moving from place to place all the time and how much that messes with you. I'm not going to go on about mommy and daddy issues and be trite. I know I have those. I own those."  
   
"Fili and Dirk have both mentioned you always liked running," Bilbo said. "Both physically in the metaphorical sense. When things got rough, you'd hop a bus, train, or plane. Now, even, you're still running even though you're stationary."  
   
Kili looked down at his shaking hands. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."  
   
"I think we need to," Bilbo said.  
   
Kili huffed and hunched his shoulders. "So, what? I'm not safe. I don't feel safe. I don't know if I ever have or ever will. What're you going to do? Magically make it better?"  
   
"What's your position on dogs?" Bilbo asked with a smile.  
   
"Dogs?"  
   
"Dogs."


	24. Track 24

Fili sighed, leaning back in his chair and staring at his phone. Well, at least Kili was texting him. Even if it wasn't very often. And even if it wasn't very wordy. And even if it was barely anything more than "hey I'm still alive leave me alone".   
   
Fuck he was pathetic. Since when did his world revolve around nothing but Kili and Kina and his worry about them and nothing else? Fuck. He was turning into one of those one-dimensional dimestore novel damsels. He chewed on his lip and pulled up his contact list, scrolling past clients and looking, looking…  
   
"Bingo," he muttered.  
   
//this number still real?// He sent.  
   
//Durn?!//  
   
Fili grinned. //hello chum//  
   
//damnation you do live. how long has it been??????//  
   
//Too long. How you been? Deflowered any other young impressionable virgins?//  
   
//I only popped your dice cherry because you annoyed me//  
   
Fili spun his chair around and propped his feet up on the wall, not caring who saw him. He didn't care about a lot of things right now. //Speaking of dice……….//  
   
//I knew you had designs on my bag!!//  
   
//Dude I want nothing to do with your bag. Who knows where that shit has been. You shove that poor bag down your boxers//  
   
//THAT WAS ONE TIME BECAUSE YOU STOLE THE PRECIOUS//  
   
//eh//  
   
//What're you thinking?//  
   
Fili tapped the side of his phone thoughtfully. What was he thinking? He had so much going on right now and his life was such a shit show. But then again, college hadn't been much better with a baby on the way. He needed a distraction, something to break with reality.  
   
//Durn?//  
   
//Pathfinder?// He texted back, finally. He didn't have it in him for Vampire: the Masquerade or Shadowrun or Star Wars or even straight up Dungeons and Dragons. But Pathfinder he had fond memories of, even if it was a complicated mess of a mess.  
   
//You want me to GM?//  
   
Fili winced. Yeah, the last time Fili had been a Gamemaster it had turned out horribly. Tarantino with dice horrible. //Plz//  
   
//dealio//  
   
//I hate you so much right now// Fili laughed, shaking his head. //Drinks later?//  
   
//cant, gf planning stuff. But how about later this week?//  
   
//Anything anytime//  
   
//that bad?//  
   
//You have no idea//  
   
Fili waited for a moment, then hesitated and set his phone down when no reply came. He frowned and turned back to one of his files and started to look at an action plan when his phone buzzed again.  
   
//adulting sucks. We'll fix that up fast//  
   
Fili tilted his phone and smiled. Yeah. Yeah, they'd fix that.


	25. Track 25 - Champion

Kili had been slowly poking through the house with Grayson by his side when Fili and Kina were out, cataloguing changes, seeing what was the same, matching memories to the place. Today both of them were gone to one of Kina’s soccer matches and, well. Kili wasn’t a crowds person anymore. 

Today he had a destination in mind. He went into the basement--what had always been his area--and smiled a little at the workout equipment. He grabbed at the pullup bar while Grayson circled around the room before curling up in the corner, tail over his nose, and did a few cursory pullups.

The fact his arms shook like a junkie’s after two made him frown.

He vaguely remembered there being a full-length mirror somewhere around...ah, yes. There it… Hunh. He knew he’d lost weight but he hadn’t realized just how much. He tugged up his shirt and turned to the side, looking. He had always been a skinny guy but this was almost obscene. He could feel his hands start to shake, his breathing tick up, and his pulse begin to pound.

“Grayson,” he said. “Where’s the phone?”

The German Shepherd got to his doggy feet and got the cordless landline phone for Kili, dropping it at his feet and wagging his tail. Kili’s fingers hesitated over the numbers and settled on Biblo’s.

“Doctor Baggins.”

“I look like a junkie,” Kili said.

Biblo snorted. “Yes, well. Anxiety will do that to you. You know this. You’ve been through this before, Kili.”

“I can barely do a pullup.”

“You can change that, through hard work and determination. One of which you are full of and the other you do not shy away from.”

“I don’t even know where to start, doc,” Kili said, sighing and tugging at his still messy hair.

“You have already started, my dear boy,” Biblo said, “by asking for help.”

Kili puffed out his cheeks in annoyance. He let it all go in one big huff. “I’m not weak.”

“No.”

“Asking for help is not being weak.”

“No.”

“I can do this.”

“Yes, Kili, you can.”

Kili hung his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “I lived through the worst of things. I can live through the humiliation of asking for help.”

“Is it really humiliation?” Bilbo asked. Kili could hear the creaking of leather as Bilbo settled in that ugly chair of his. “Asking for help, especially if you ask for the help of your squad, your friends, will only let them know how much you value them and will only help you know how much they value you.”

Kili reached down and rubbed Grayson’s ears. He was silent for a few moments and then sighed. “Yeah, okay. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow, doc.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Kili.”

Kili hung up and ran his fingers over the number pad of the phone. He hated to call Dirk and pull him away from Sigrid but… Well, no. He had a whole phone of people he could call. He went up the stairs, putting the phone away on his way, and grabbed his cell. He shot off text messages to Brent, Nori, and Michelle asking them if they’d be up to helping him not become zombie chum, look like a junkie, actually be in fighting shape. 

He gets back three instant messages telling him they’ll be right over.


	26. Track 26

Nori stuck a plate full of fried chicken--homemade, one of the Squad's recipes--in front of Fili and a beer in his hand and directed him to the back deck. Fili rolled his eyes but grinned, going along with it. The men and women needed someone to care for since they were denied Kili, and Fili and Kina were a good stand-in.   
   
Kina, as it was, was already a spoiled brat from her new aunts and uncles. The best tech, the best makeup, the best of this and that. Fili had a feeling that Kili had already told them "no" to quite a lot of things they probably wanted to splurge on her. Like a car. Fili could see them all getting together and buying her some sort of kickass car.   
   
Kili was going to teach Kina to drive, they had decided, when they went on vacation in the fall. If they were still going… Maybe he should just cancel those tickets and get his deposit back on everything while he still could.  
   
"No brooding," Michelle said, sitting down with Brent, and putting her feet in the medic's lap. "This is an anti-brooding zone. This is, actually, a fried chicken zone."  
   
"And beer," Brent laughed. "Lots of beer."  
   
Fili snorted and toasted the other man. "I could use a lot of beer."  
   
"We all could use a lot of beer these days," Gloin grumbled as he settled next to Fili. The other man, who was barely part of Kili's squad but had become a friend from all the oversight ops he'd been running in Boston these past few years, was just as worried as the other men and women who had been part of Kili's team from the beginning. "The whole of the Boston office wanted to be here today but they figured it'd be best to keep it under wraps and just let me send their well-wishes."  
   
Fili smiled and drank his beer. Well-wishes. Fuck. That.  
   
"Shut up, Gloin," Brent said. "You don't get it. No one gets what Fili's going through except, fuck, Dirk? Nori? Me, and…" He looked around. "Terry. Yeah, she's known him since almost day one."  
   
Fili frowned. "What?"  
   
"Yeah, we're the old guard," Brent laughed. "Hell, I knew Kili before he even hooked up with Dirk. Fuck, those two were hysterical. Dirk had a worse reputation at that point than Kili did for being a slut and then the two met up and sparks flew and then they like, I don't know. All I know is that one moment they had no idea who they were and then the next moment they were trying to see who could screw and lose each other faster."  
   
Fili's eyebrows kept climbing. "Wait, Kili was like, nineteen when he joined Woods."  
   
"Yep," Brent said, swigging back his beer.  
   
"Jeez," Fili said, sitting back in his chair. "I mean, we started trying to talk about the past? Or saying we were going to. We never really got around to it."  
   
"Ask him about Dirk," Michelle said, grinning. "The two of them are hysterical."  
   
"Oh! I know, you should ask about--"  
   
"It doesn't matter what he should ask about," Terry said, coming over with her own plate of fried chicken. "We're here because Kili's lost it. Again. And this time he's got family and we're here for that family."  
   
"Wait," Fili said, setting his plate of food and beer aside and standing as Kina came over as well. "He's lost it before? Like this but before? I mean, I know Syria wasn't a walk in the park or anything but this isn't--"  
   
"Terry."  
   
"No, shit, Nori, he deserves to know," Terry said.  
   
"That shit was different," Nori said. "So different." He tried to smile at Fili and Kina, who were hugging each other, and sighed. He tugged at his big red braid and groaned. "Terry, you fuckface. All right, story time."  
   
Fili sat, tugging Kina onto his lap despite her being too big, and clutched her tight.   
   
"So, this was probably the same year he started, back when he was nineteen, not too long after he and Dirk started doing their weird mating ritual of who can dump and run fast enough. Thrandruil was in charge at this point, not Tauriel, and Dirk was the best spotter and Kili was the best shot. So they got paired up. Now, mind you, I don't think anyone realized that Kili hadn't ever actually been out in the field before. All his prior work had been as mindless security."  
   
"Oh shit," Kina swore, eyes wide. "I know where this is going."  
   
"Yeah, so. Wet-behind-the-ears kid with a high-powered-rifle with the best marks in the entire organization is going out there with an assignment to take out four targets that need taking out," Nori said. "Mind you, way the report and Dirk says it, he never hesitated. He took the shots, lined 'em up, and did what needed doing. Afterwards is when it got nasty."  
   
Brent smiled tightly, "You want to know why we know the drill on how to handle Kili and why we're not surprised on how fast he's churning through shrinks? He chewed through six in a month that time. He laughed through all their attempts. One of them was dangerously close to committing him to a psych ward because of it. That's when Tauriel stepped in, had me yank his previous medical records, and realized what we were dealing with."  
   
"And what's that?" Fili asked.  
   
Brent shook his head. "I can't tell you. I'm squad medic. He's my patient."  
   
Jackson, who had been silent until now, shrugged. "We all have our demons, Fili. Most of us? We develop them in the job. Kili just came to the job with his. He's not the only one prone to panic attacks or anxiety."  
   
"Jackson!"  
   
Jackson shrugged. "You didn't say anything, Brent."  
   
"Fuck you."  
   
Fili stared at them. "Are…we even talking about the same person? Kili? Panic attacks and anxiety?"  
   
"The two of you really do need to start talking more," Michelle said. She finished off her fried chicken and set her plate aside. "We're all a bit of a hot mess, Fili. That's why we work so well together. Our insanities play well together."  
   
"Or something," Nori said.  
   
"Or something," Michelle said. "Anyway. Enough sadness. This is supposed to be about awesome stuff, not sad stuff."  
   
"But--"  
   
"Have you ever been to Walker Stalker Con?" Michelle asked. "Kili's mentioned how much you love zombies. Are you a Walking Dead fan?"  
   
Fili gave up and in and let the conversation be steered away from Kili. "Yeah, zombies are awesome."


	27. Track 27 - Acoustic

Fili coughed awkward, shifting his lower body and wincing. Ow. Ow. Ow.  
   
"Sorry," the guy said. Fili couldn't remember his name. He'd picked him up at a mixer at the college and thought he was pretty--blond hair, long feminine fingers, glasses, gorgeous in that effeminate way some guys had sometimes--and they'd had to much to drink and.  
   
Well.  
   
"It's okay," Fili said, throat sore. Apparently blow jobs were misnamed. They should be named suck jobs. Or really, like, thrust jobs. Fuck, his throat hurt. His ass hurt. His everything hurt.  
   
This bi thing apparently was not everything it was cut out to be.  
   
"No, really, sorry," the guy said, rolling over. "I'm not usually a top. I tend to bottom."  
   
Fili stared in blankness. "Hunh?"  
   
The guy smiled. "I'm the one generally taking it up the ass. My boyfriend is at work or he'd be able to take care of you better."  
   
Fili coughed again. "Uh, I. You. Hunh?"  
   
"Let's start again. Hi, I'm James. My boyfriend is Gerald and he's going to be so upset with me and he gets back from his shift. Which, actually…should be any moment now. Shit."  
   
Fili felt his throat go dry. "Should I leave?"  
   
James leaned in and twined a hand through Fili's hair, kissing him slow and sweet. Fili couldn't help but melt into the kiss. This, this was what had had him going home with James last night. His kiss. Ugh, he sounded like The Little Mermaid.  
   
"James?" a deep voice called from somewhere in the apartment.  
   
James smiled against Fili's lips. "How would you feel about being taken care of by a very experienced dom and his sub?"  
   
"You mean a threesome?" Fili asked, mind spinning. What was his life?  
   
James nibbled along Fili's jaw. "You can say no."  
   
Fili hesitated and then stretched out. "Yeah, sure, you know what? Why the fuck not."


	28. Track 28 - Remix - Crave

Kili licked his lips and looked around, making sure the coast was clear. This wasn't the smartest idea, not for him, not for Rick, but oh fuck, he wanted so badly he fucking burned for it. It was a house on base that wasn't inhabited yet and Rick had maybe a few hours yet before he'd be missed on base and it was so easy to break into this shit.  
   
Kili slipped inside, dropping his backpack on the hardwood floor of the living room, and looked around. Perfect. He didn't need candles and flowers or anything like that to get his cherry popped. He just fucking needed Rick. And he needed him now.  
   
"Kili?" Rick hissed from the door.  
   
"It's open," Kili called back quietly.  
   
Rick slipped inside and then shut the door behind him. Kili leaned back against the wall and smirked at one of the random officers he'd been eye-fucking for the past four months. Mm-mm-mm. Yeah, he was older--twenty-something to Kili's sixteen--but he was built and sexy and Kili wanted that cock inside him like no one's business. So what if it was a one-off? Kili could deal with one-offs. He just wanted someone older, who knew what to do, to actually fuck him and fuck him good.  
   
"C'mere," Rick said, holding out his hand.  
   
Kili came closer, pressing close against him and kissed him. They were of an even height, even if Kili was a string bean and still filling out in terms of muscle, but fuck, he could feel how interested Rick was right now. He started helping Rick out of his fatigues and shoved his hand down Rick's pants--which was how this whole incident had started in the first place.   
   
"Fuck," Rick groaned.   
   
"That's the plan," Kili snickered.  
   
Rick pushed Kili back and started pulling Kili's shirt free, pushing him up against the wall. "Like this?" he breathed against Kili's ear. "You want me to take you hard and fast? Show you how it's really done? Or you want a proper deflowering?"  
   
Kili turned his head to bite Rick's lip. "Sweetheart, you may not know me from Jack, but I don't do things proper. Give me your fucking cock and make it good."  
   
"Lube?" Rick asked, shoving his pants down just far enough to free his cock.   
   
Kili kicked off his sneakers and jeans on the way to his bag, coming up with the tube, as he rubbed himself through his boxers. "Right here."  
   
"I'd accuse you of being a boy scout but you're too much of a little shit to be one," Rick said with a grin. He ripped open the condom he'd pulled from his pocket and rolled it on before taking the lube from Kili and slicking himself.  
   
Kili leaned back against the wall and braced himself. "Come show me what those muscles are good for, soldier," he said with a lick of his lips.  
   
"Stupid kid," Rick said. "Fing--"  
   
Kili rolled his eyes and grabbed Rick's hand, pushing it between his legs. "I already did."  
   
Rick pushed in two fingers and Kili groaned, hips reflexively seeking out more, and then sergeant shithead added a third and Kili tried not to let his eyes roll back in his head. Holy fuck. He reached down and grabbed at Rick's hip and slung his leg up, pulling him close.  
   
"Get. In. Me," Kili growled.  
   
"Never apply for the military," Rick said, hoisting Kili up against the wall and snapping his hips forward. Kili's head hit the wall as he groaned at the intrusion, a mix of pain and pleasure and ohgodyes, grabbing at Rick's shoulders. "Tight little ass, you'd wash out in a heartbeat."  
   
"Quit your yapping and start the fucking," Kili panted. "Fuck, you feel so good. Knew you'd be big."  
   
Rick nuzzled at Kili's jaw and braced himself against the wall before biting and whispered. "Hold on tight, virgin. I'm about to blow your mind."  
   
By the end of the encounter, Kili's mind wasn't totally blown. He was sore and sweaty and covered in come and lube and hungry for the next cock. But he had yet to get a woman and that was next in his plan so that was what was next. But fuck if he didn't want to feel that burn again soon.


	29. Track 29 - Breathing

It wasn’t unusual, these days, for neither of them to make it through the night undisturbed. Kili had his nightmares and Fili, well. Fili had his own nightmares too.

Fili left the bedroom quietly, padding downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water, sweating and shaking. His mind was, as Dr Baggins put it, catastrophizing. It was taking the worst possible scenario and blowing it even more out of proportion. Normally he could keep these thoughts in check during the day but his subconscious went to town when he was asleep sometimes.

Tonight was seeing Kili come back to him in pieces. Because he apparently watched too much TV and he knew too much about Kili’s job now.

Carefully, slowly, he filled the glass of water and drank it before putting it in the dishwasher.

He was wired. He was tired. He didn’t know what to do. His body had flooded with adrenaline when he’d woken up and now he was riding that. If he went back upstairs to Kili, he’d feel so much better but he ran the risk of waking him up, and Kili deserved to get as much sleep as he could. But the alternatives were so less appealing.

Sighing, Fili went up the stairs--skipping the one that creaked--and made his way back to the bedroom. Kili was still asleep, still breathing, and Fili stood in the doorway just listening for a moment. His Kili, his wild and free love of his life, was sprawled over his side of the bed, hair already knotting, face smooshed between his two pillows. There was a slight snore that had never been there before but Fili almost thought it was cute, certainly nothing some people complained about.

Kili shifted, reaching out toward Fili’s side of the bed, mumbling in his sleep. Fili smiled, leaning against the doorjam, and watched and listened. This...this was what he needed. He needed to know Kili was safe, was alive, was home.

“Creeeeeeeper,” Kili rasped.

Fili blinked. “Hunh?”

“Creeper.”

Fili huffed and crossed the divide, crawling back into bed. “Go back to sleep.”

“Creeper, creeper, creeper,” Kili snickered sleepily.

“So I like watching you sleep, sue me.”

“Ugh, so Twilight.”

Fili laughed, surprised. “I know for a fact you’ve never seen or read the books so shut up.”

“Make me,” Kili said, opening his eyes and smirking at Fili.

Fili arched a brow at him before pouncing. 

It wasn’t unusual, these days, for neither of them to make it through the night undisturbed. Kili had his nightmares and Fili did too. But that didn’t mean they had to suffer through them alone.


	30. Track 30 - Cocoon

Fili frowned, looking around the house for Kili, a folder of papers in one hand. They had work to go over. Kili had been tweaking out at work and had convinced Fili that he’d work much better at home then he would in the office. Now that they were home, though, he couldn’t find the little demon. 

He’d vanished with an excuse of needing a shower.

Then, poof, gone.

And the heat was on.

Fili frowned and turned it off. It was close to 100* outside with more than 50% humidity, there was no reason for the heat to be on. He reprogrammed in the AC and looked down, noticing the puddle of water. 

Heat.

Shower.

Fili went up to the bathroom and nearly gagged with how hot it was in there. He opened a window and turned the fan on to get rid of the moisture.

He stuck his head in the bedroom and, sure enough, there was a bump in the bed and Grayson whining softly. Also something like fifteen blankets stacked on top of said bump.

“Okay,” Fili said as he sat on the bed, pushing the covers away from Kili’s head. “So I’m sensing you have a problem when it’s too cold.”

Kili glanced away from him, wet hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.

“What’re you going to do during the winter?”

“Then it has a reason to be cold,” Kili said, burrowing down deeper into the covers.

Fili turned to set the folder aside and laid down next to kili so they were at eye-level. “What happened, sweetheart?”

“Don’t wanna know,” Kili mumbled.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Fili said. “But we made an agreement, the two of us, when you came home. Right now you’re not upholding that.”

Kili flinched slightly and Fili hated himself, just a little, for the look of pain that crossed Kili’s face. But Bilbo had been clear that sometimes you couldn’t give Kili any room to wiggle away from a conversation. Sometimes you had to pin him down and talk him through whatever knot was going on in his head that was blocking everything else out. Otherwise bad things could happen.

Fili still had nightmares about Kili taking a knife to his thigh all those years ago after Syria. He didn’t need fresh ones.

Kili fumbled a hand free of the blankets and he grabbed at Fili’s hand. “I don’t like the AC. It’s too much, too cold. It reminds me too much of what happened before. Gave me a flashback today.”

Fili gripped Kili’s fingers tight. “You’re supposed to tell me these things,” he whispered. “Trust, baby.”

“They locked me in this thing,” Kili said slowly, like the words were hard to string together, “like a portable freezer. They’d spray me down with a hose and lock me in there until I could barely remember my own name.”

Fili felt as if Lady Death had touched a finger to his spine.

“I’m going to go turn the AC off,” he whispered. He kissed Kili’s forehead and got off the bed, watching as the other man burrowed back into his cocoon, and went about opening all the windows in the house and turning off the central air. They’d cross the winter bridge when they got to it but for now, at this moment, he could at the very least make Kili comfortable in his own home.


	31. Track 31

“So, this is a thing now?” Fili asked, watching. Kili hesitated before taking a drag off the vape pen. “Again? I mean. Smoking.”

Kili felt his stomach twist and shake and his chest begin the tighten. He took another drag, deeper, holding the strawberry flavored smoke in his lungs and throat longer, before shakily blowing it out through his nose and mouth. The ensuing cloud obscured Fili’s face for a moment, just long enough for Kili to ease off the anxiety.

“Yeah?” he admitted. Flat, wary, not giving any ground. In this one area he was not apologizing for who he was. Fuck, the idea of confrontation made him want to run for the hills.

“Can you tell me why?” Fili asked. He paused. “The...fuck…? Strawberry?”

Kili coughed on a laugh as he went to take another hit. “Uhm, yeah. Supposed to be Strawberry Kiwi Tea, least that’s what it says on the bottle, but I just taste the strawberry.”

“Smells like it too,” Fili said, eyes narrowed.

Aw, hell. That was a bad look.

“How much worse are these than cigarettes?”

“Actually better for you,” Kili said. “You can control a lot of the elements, including the nicotine levels and what goes into the juice, and you can technically make your own juice if you want to be crafty about it.”

“Juice?” FIli asked.

Kili tapped a finger against the top of his vape pen, where the sloshed syrup-like around a clear chamber. “Juice. The stuff I smoke. It’s made up of vegetable glycerine, propylene glycol, nicotine, and flavorings. That’s literally it.”

Fili stared at him for a moment before sitting down on the couch and sighing. He scrubbed his hands over his face and stared at Kili. Kili, uncomfortable, rolled his shoulders and went back to vaping out the window.

“When,” Fili said, stressing the word so hard Kili flinched, “you come home, you’re going to have to do that outside. I don’t know anything about how second-hand vape smoke is for kids--”

“Can’t vape around cats anyway,” Kili said.

Fili stared. “Gunny--”

“Locked in one of the bedrooms,” Kili said with a shrug. He took another drag. He made a face as the pen spat at him, coating his tongue with juice instead of pure smoke, and snorted out the smoke. Stupid thing probably needed to be charged. 

“I was going to say, I don’t want Kina to think that smoking is good for her.”

“Good, cuz it fucking isn’t,” Kili muttered.

“It’s not good for you either,” Fili said. “We both quit, remember?”

Kili stayed quiet, fiddling with the pen and trying to adjust the airflow it could take in. Maybe that would fix the spitting? (He knew it wouldn’t.)

Fili let the silence stretch out like taffy before groaning. “Fucking hell, Kili. You quit. You told me you quit.”

“One here and there every now and then,” Kili muttered. “Wasn’t a biggie, not a habit. Helped keep my hands steady sometimes on a job.”

Fili looked so...broken. That’s all Kili could think to describe him.

“How many secrets are there actually between us?” Fili asked. “How many half-truths?”

“You sure you want the answer to that?” Kili snapped, throat thick and heart hammering with panic. His hands were suddenly shaking and oh god, he felt like he was going to throat up. He hadn’t eaten a lot today but what little was threatening to come back up. 

Fili got to his feet, shaking his head. “No. You, this? This was a bad idea. I don’t know you anymore.”

Kili froze. The swell of panic broke as the door slammed shut. All that was left was the starkness of the cold metal in his hand and the burn of tears he couldn’t blink back fast enough.


	32. Track 32

“I don’t know why I’m here,” Fili said finally, arms crossed, after ten minutes of silence.

Dr Bilbo Baggins smiled serenely. “Would you like some tea?”

Fili cracked his neck. “I have worked to do. Actual work. I’m not the headcase. You should spend your time on him, not me.”

“You seem to be increasingly angry with your brother, Mr Durn,” Bilbo said. 

Fili stared. “My--what? I’m sorry, I misheard you.”

“No, you didn’t,” Bilbo said with a pleasant smile. “Let’s cut the crap, shall we? You brother trusts me, his partner trusts me, your daughter trusts me, it’s about time you do as well.”

Fili slunk down in his seat. “If Dirk’s his partner, then what the fuck am I?” he muttered.

“His world.”

Fili looked away, feeling small and petty. “Yeah, well, he doesn’t want to see or talk to me.”

Bilbo made a soft and considering noise. “Do you know who he does see and talk to?”

“Everyone else?” Fili hazard. 

“Dirk.”

Fili frowned. “Not the rest of his squad?”

“Oh, he used to,” Bilbo said with a nod. “But he began systematically pushing them away as soon as humanly possible. Dirk is the only one who can get close enough and stay close. Kili’s tried pushing him away as well but, it would seem that Mr Howard is a delightfully stubborn man.”

Fili stared at this short, round man in stunned silence. “Isn’t there something called patient-doctor confidentiality?”

“Am I telling you something you don’t know?” Bilbo asked, eyebrow arched. “I was under the impression that Nori and Brent had already told you that Kili had shut everyone out. Maybe the news about Dirk would be new, but you know your brother, Fili. He is nothing if not determined to destroy himself.”

“That, that right there,” Fili said. “The brother thing. Who told you?”

Bilbo smiled. “Why don’t you tell me why you think you’re here and, if it’s true, I’ll tell you who told me.”

Fili narrowed his eyes. “Kili must hate you.”

“Kili hasn’t fired me yet,” Bilbo said cheerfully, “so something is clearly working!”

“You want an idea of who he was at home before this whole shitshow went down,” Fili said. “The others can tell you who he was at work, or as a friend, but I’m the only one who can tell you who he was as a person.”

“Dirk can tell me plenty,” Bilbo countered. “In fact, he has told me many things.”

“Then I don’t know what the fuck you want from me,” Fili said, sitting back in his chair and crossing his arms.

“My, but you both are quite similar. If I wasn’t more concerned over my patient’s mental state I’d be salivating over the paper I could write on the two of you,” Bilbo said, leaning forward to set his elbows on his knees. “But, there you have it. I am very concerned about Kili. He is surprisingly fragile for someone who has weathered so much. You are--how to put this--almost an anchor for him. But, at this point, his is rejecting both you and Dirk and in doing so, is rejecting his handle on common reasoning.”

“Hunh?” Fili asked, frowning.

Bilbo sighed. “Too similar. Far, far too similar. Yes, yes, all right. You and Dirk are Kili’s reasons for coming home in one piece. Dirk has his back. You are his home. This time he had no one at his back and it was traumatizing to him in a way that he hasn’t had to deal with in a very long time. Thus, he tries to push away Dirk. Fortunately, Dirk is a little more than an immovable object.”

“Are you saying that the reason Kili won’t come home is because I’m letting him not come home?” Fili asked, slowly rising from his chair.

“In a way, yes.”

Fili was on his feet, staring down at the no longer cheerful man. “How dare you--!”

“You care too much,” Bilbo said. “You would let him get away with murder and help hide the body after.”

Fili stared, jaw open in shock, before sitting down again. Fuck, Baggings was good.

“What I want from you, Mr Durn, is your help,” Bilbo said. “I cannot wave a magic wand and fix your brother. I have no wizards hidden in my closet waiting to spring out and shout some magic words that will make everything suddenly better. I can only do so much. The real work must be done outside this office by Kili and those around him. Dirk, unfortunately, is dealing with the worst of things these days. Eventually, there will come a time when Kili will be ready to come home. Then, you will have to deal with the demons he fights. Are you willing to do that? Or are you going to be selfish and silent?”

Fili flinched slightly at that.

“If that’s the case, Mr Durn, I suggest you take a hard look at your life, the life you have created together, and determine whether or not it’s worth saving. Kili needs you, whether he admits it or not, and not having you will be hard but I can get him through it. What I cannot get him through is you being there through it half-way and then deciding it’s too hard.”

Fili swallowed. “I--”

“No,” Bilbo smiled. “Think about it and get back to me. That’s all the time we have for today.”

“Oh. Uh, okay. Thanks?” Fili said, slowly getting to his feet and heading to the door.

“Ah, yes. And Kili told me, Fili. Second meeting when I asked if there was anything at all I needed to know that might be a little tricky about his case.”

Fili closed his eyes and started cursing under his breath as he opened the door. “Thank you, Dr Baggings. I’ll see you next time.”

“Do think about what I’ve said.”

Fili nodded and closed the office door behind him.


	33. Track 33 - Remix - New Day

Kili licked his lips, hitching his backpack higher up on his shoulder, and looked around a little uneasily. 

Well, fuck.

At least he was in the States. That’s really all he had going for him right now.

That and he wasn’t on a military base anymore. 

Halle-fucking-lujah. 

“Hey, pretty, need a ride?” someone called from a passing car.

Kili started moving, head down and shoulders up. 

He was not in a good part of town. He was underaged and out of ideas. 

And officially homeless.

Yeah, great idea, dumbass. 

Was dealing with dad’s shit for six more months really worth this? Who cared if it meant that he was going to end up enlisted? He’d have food--oh god, food, what was he going to do about food?--and a place to sleep and water and he’d be safe. Safe from creeps and cops and.

Yeah, he really didn’t think things through when he packed his shit together and got the hell out of dodge. But fuck, dad had just made him so mad. He couldn’t take it anymore. And no one on base would take him in. He literally had nowhere to go.

No.

He could do this.

He was seventeen. He was resourceful. He’d make it through this.

One way or another he would show himself, his dad, everyone who ever called him a good-for-nothing, section 8 waiting to happen, disaster in the making… He’d heard them all. Every single sneer and snide remark. The section 8 remark got thrown around a lot. And still, dad wanted him to enlist. 

Probably would have been better to get caught fucking one of the cadets. Then the military definitely wouldn’t touch him. No homo and all that but it’d break his dad’s heart.

So he hit the road. 

Ran away.

Because he was a fucking coward.

Guess he was a good-for-nothing after all.

But at least he was a good-for-nothing with a gun who knew how to protect himself.

He paused, glancing at a window of a cafe, and blinked. Help wanted. 

...maybe?

Couldn’t hurt to ask. If he didn’t ask, he already had a no.

(They said yes.)


	34. Track 32 - Only You

Kili looked over at Dirk and then back at the phone in his hand, feeling his heart pounding double-time. He could feel Grayson’s cold-nose pressing against his knee through the rip in his jeans and tried to let the tension go. 

It was just a phone call.

Fili wasn’t actually in the room with him. He was just going to be on the phone with him and, even then, there wasn’t a guarantee of him actually picking up. It could hit voicemail.

“Kitten,” Dirk prompted.

“Oh god, I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Kili said, dialing the familiar number.

“You’re the one who said you wanted to go home.”

Kili ignored him, trying not to smile, as he listened to the phone ring.

“Hello?” Fili asked, sounding out of breath. “K-Kili?”

Kili reacted out of instinct, pulling the phone away and hanging up, hands shaking. He squeezed his eyes closed and swore. “No, shit, bad.” He bit his lip and slowly dialled again, this time barely waiting as Fili picked up before it barely rang.

“Don’t hang up, please,” Fili begged.

“I didn’t--No, I did. It was.” Kili groaned. “I don’t know.”

Dirk was laughing from the couch.

Fili was quiet for a moment. “Hi Dirk.”

Kili smiled, “Fili says hi, jerk.”

“Tell your better half I say hi back,” Dirk said, pulling out his own phone and doing something.

“I heard him,” Fili said. “I’m still your better half?”

“Always,” Kili said softly. He tugged gently on Grayson’s ears and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I want to come home,” he said in a big rush. “Can I?”

“Kili--” Fili sounded odd over the phone and part of Kili wished he had done this in person but he knew he was too chicken, too broken still, to have done this any other way.

“Look, I mean, I’m not in the best of shape but I’m better and things are good right now and even Biblo is saying that progress has been made and the nightmares aren’t as bad as they have been and I mean I know the panic attacks are still a problem but I’m just I want to come home and I think now is--”

“Breathe,” Dirk said sharply, looking up from his phone.

Kili took a startled breath. Aw, hell. 

“Kili?” Fili asked, hesitant. “You okay?”

Kili let out a strangled laugh. “I’m a little--okay, a lot, nervous.”

“Why?” Fili asked. “You can come home whenever you want. You belong there just as much as I do.”

Kili felt like he’d been sucker punched. So much had happened between them. So many arguments and so many petty little snipes but Fili was, was…

“Kili?”

Kili swallowed thickly and sniffed, not even realizing he was crying. That had just kind of snuck up on him. “Yeah, okay. And, and you’re okay with Grayson?”

Fili sighed, “You’re a circus, babe. So long as a cat and a dog is all that comes home, I’m good. You start, I don’t know, adopting foxes and fish and other creatures and then we got issues.”

“Ain’t that why we got a kid?” Kili tried to joke.

“Yeah, but we’ve only got her around for another couple of years before she goes off to college,” Fili pointed out. “Animals live longer than that.”

“Point,” Kili said. He could feel the panic begin to recede. Mundane conversations were good. They focused him on other things, things that had nothing to do with why he was freaking out.

“Do you know when you were thinking of coming home?” Fili asked after a moment in which Kili played with Grayson’s ears. It was becoming a nervous habit of his.

Kili shook his head and then realized Fili couldn’t see him. “No. Not really. Just, uhm, making sure I could?”

Fili was quiet for a moment and Kili could hear a door closing. “I’m sorry,” he heard next. “I’ve never really apologized for being an ass to you before. Over a lot of the things since you came home. I haven’t understood and I’m sorry and I’m going to try harder because you’re important and I want this to keep working.”

Kili blinked, pulling the phone away and staring at it. What? He shook his head and handed the phone to Dirk, getting up and walking away. He didn’t need apologies. He didn’t deserve them. He...he. Oh, oh his breathing was ticking up. He could hear Dirk saying something but Kili couldn’t hear for the ringing in his head or the beeping from his watch. 

He sat down on the floor, tugging Grayson closer and burying his face in the dog’s coarse fur. He needed hugs. He wanted Fili. No, he didn’t want Fili. No, he did. He just. Fuck. Fuck it. He reached out a hand and Dirk put the phone back in it. He was trying to focus on Grayson’s steadiness as the dog moved his head.

“Sorry,” Kili said, voice muffled by fur. “You don’t need to apologise.”

“Yeah, I kind of did.”

“I kind of do too then,” Kili said.

“You can apologise later, if it makes you feel better,” Fili said, a sort of exasperation in his voice.

“Okay,” Kili said.

“Okay,” Fili said. “So, you’re coming home.”

Grayson got in a lick, Kili startled into a laugh, and nodded. “Yeah, I’m coming home.”


	35. Track 35

“I swear to god, if you don’t get that twig ass of yours out on the street--”

“What, you don’t like me anymore?” Kili asked, trying to tease Fili. It was falling a little flat but the effort was there. “I get it, you only liked me for my muscles. Such a girl.”

“I like you just fine,” Fili said. He stepped up close into Kili's personal space, looking down at him with an arched brow. “I’m even fine screwing you like you are, even if you nail me with your pointy elbows in the middle of the night, but you're not happy or healthy. So get on your feet, get your sneakers on, and let's move it.”

Kili flopped on his back. “Nah, I'm good.”

Fili nudged him with his sneaker. “You can top tonight.”

Kili bit his lip, just the slightest bit interested. “Oh?”

“If,” Fili said, “you can make it for a run around the neighbourhood with me.”

Kili scoffed. “Easy.”

“Then tonight should be a given,” Fili said, stretching his arms up above his head. “But only if you get your sneakers on.”

Kili rolled his eyes. “This is pointless.”

“Your face is pointless,” Fili said. “C’mon, move it. Or I’m going to start calling you Twiggy.”

Kili scowled and went for his sneakers. He hadn’t lost that much weight. Yeah, he’d lost the muscle mass but that was easy enough to get back. And how dare Fili insinuate...whatever it was he was insinuating. He wasn’t out of shape. He could definitely run around their dinky little neighbourhood. 

“C’mon already, daylight is wasting,” Fili said.

Kili stalked past him out the front door and took off. He could do this. This was easy. Running was his thing, his jam, this was how he decompressed after all. Grayson, well trained but all doggy excitement, stuck to him in bouncing little leaps of joy.

Fili went striding past him without a backwards glance.

Kili froze for a second before pushing himself just a hair faster, trying to keep up with Fili and...failing. Miserably.

He simply...couldn’t. His legs were burning and aching by the time they got halfway down the block. His sides were heaving. His ribs ached. His head pounded. 

He started gasping for breath, and not in the “I’m-out-of-shape” way. In the “Oh-god-oh-god-what-am-I-going-to-do” way. The bad way. The kind that got Grayson to knock him on his ass and lick his face as he felt like all his internal organs were going to shudder their way out of his body. He was sitting on the edge of someone’s lawn, hands fisting grass, as Grayson whined and licked him when Fili walked back toward them.

“You done?” Fili asked.

Kili reached a shaking hand up and Fili pulled him to his feet and into his arms. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You needed to realize this on your own.”

“I can’t,” Kili whispered, gripping Fili’s shoulders tightly. Grayson was circling them, still whining, trying to make sure his human was being taken care of. His stupid idiot of a human. “How could I? I just.”

“Hey, knock it off. It’s been a year, Kili, since you’ve hit any sort of gym. You can’t just jump right into your life like nothing happened, especially not this.”

Kili shook his head, pulling Fili close and then pushing him away. And, fuck, but wasn’t that the truth of their whole relationship? “What do you suggest?” he asked. “You must have had some plan to do this.”

“Yep,” Fili said, a smile flitting across his face. “Me and Nori, we’ve got this one covered.”

Kili frowned, his insides still shaking and jumping about like those stupid old Mexican jumping beans. “Nori?”

“Yeah, we’re giving Dirk some time off. Nori and me, we’re going to be your running and gym buddies.”

“Nori boxes,” Kili said slowly. 

“And it’ll be a good way for you to build up your arms again,” Fili said. “You think you could handle any of your guns right now? The recoil would probably snap your wrist.”

Kili gritted his teeth and reached out to snag Grayson closer, ruffling his ears and trying to reassure them both that everything was okay.

“Brent said he’d take over from there, get you back on a proper diet, help you bulk back up the right way.”

“Got everything all figured out, don’t you,” Kili said. “Don’t even need my input, just need me to show up.”

“Show up and do the work and get better,” Fili said. “You’ve done the hard work for so long, let us do some of it for once.”

Kili licked his lips and then nodded. “Yeah, okay. Sure. But only because it’s just wrong that I can’t beat your ass at running.”

Fili laughed. “Oh, sugar, I’m going to enjoy this while it lasts.”


	36. Track 36 - Speeding Cars

Dirk glanced down at his phone and felt his shoulders slump. 

She dumped him.

It was too much, all of this, his life, his everything.

Fucking hell. Kili was too much for Sigrid to accept. After all the years and this was what broke everything off? And he was going to fucking propose. He turned and whipped his phone at the wall, watching as the screen shattered.

Kili, who had just come into the room, flinched back and flattened against the wall.

Dirk swore softly. “You okay?”

 

Kili took a moment to steady his breathing before nodding. “Y-yeah.”

Dirk shook his head and headed into the kitchen, just needing space from Kili for a second. He hadn’t seen his kids in months and now Sigrid was telling him she couldn’t do this anymore and fuck. His kids were living with her and fuck, now who was going to watch them while his insane friend got his shit together? If he ever did. And Dirk had his own opinions on the matter. 

There were only so many times you could use Kintsugi on a piece of pottery before it became pointless.

And so many people had hurt Kili in the past that this might have just become the final straw.

“What’s wrong?” Kili asked, edging in on Dirk’s space.

Dirk eyed him. “Back off, kitten. Go sulk or something. Or stare into space. Whatever it is you do these days.”

“That’s not fair,” Kili said softly.

“Buzz off,” Dirk snapped.

Kili’s jaw was set stubbornly and he stepped closer. “Dirk.”

“You want to back off right about now, Haegan,” Dirk said. “I’m not in the mood--”

Kili grabbed his face and kissed him. Dirk froze, stunned. The hell?! It wasn’t their best kiss, nor their worst, but it was a kiss. Fuck, it was the most human contact Dirk had had with anyone in seven months. He grabbed Kili by the hips and dragged him closer, holding him tight, fixing the kiss into something proper.

Kili let him. He kissed him like there wasn’t anyone else in the world, like they were the only ones who mattered, and Dirk broke. He pulled away, letting his head rest against Kili’s bony shoulder, and started to cry.

“It’s okay,” Kili said, rubbing his back.

“Fuck you,” Dirk swore. “This is all your fucking fault. Goddamned headcase. I was going to ask her to marry me.”

Kili was quiet as he rubbed Dirk’s back and kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know it’s not much. It’s nothing. But it’s all I have.”

Dirk pushed at him but Kili didn’t let him go. “You couldn’t just fucking go home like you were supposed to,” he snapped. “You couldn’t let fucking Fili do this for you, you had to fuck up my life. You had to, you just. You couldn’t. My kids! My girl, Kili!”

“I’m sorry,” Kili whispered.

“You think ‘sorry’s good enough?” Dirk demanded. “You think a kiss and an apology is going to fix everything?”

“No,” Kili said simply. “It’s not going to fix anything.”

Dirk deflated, staring at him. “The fuck am I going to do with you?”

Kili grabbed at his hand and tangled their fingers together. “I told Bilbo I don’t think I have much of a home left to go back to.”

That was news.

“Pretty sure at this point, between all the secrets and the lies, that I’ve napalmed everything I’ve had with Fili,” Kili said.

Dirk narrowed his eyes. “Are you telling me you’ve been hiding here for the past who-the-fuck-cares because you’ve been scared?”

“No,” Kili said, sounding hollow, eyes downcast. “Probably haven’t needed a babysitter to make sure I won’t slit my wrists for the past month but you never know, that’s mostly hindsight talking. I am saying that between Grayson and Gunny that you can take some time off and go see your kids. Maybe you can fix things with Sigrid?”

Dirk ran a hand through his hair and scratched at his scalp. “You know, I can’t even remember what her smile looks like. How fucked up is that?” Kili’s shoulders hunched and he turned to shuffle off. “I’ve never forgotten yours.”

Kili made a wounded noise and hesitated. “Talk to Sigrid. Really, really talk to her. You have a ring, Dirk. She’s great with the kids. You have a family with them. You have a chance at so much more with them then you ever had with me, then you ever could. I’m...fuck. I’m so damaged. I don’t even know why Fili wants me, if he still does.”

“Because you’re like a shot of pure adrenaline,” Dirk said without thinking. “Hospital grade, stabbed right into the heart. Addicting. One taste and you can’t kick the habit.”

Kili bit his lip and shook his head. “And that’s why we’d suck together.”

“There’s plenty of love, kitten, but that’s the primary reason. You’re a drug.”

Kili shuffled the remaining feet into the bedroom and closed the door.


	37. Track 37 - Lock Me Up

Kili stretched out on the bed, hands secured to the headboard behind him. He could feel everything that was him, everything inside him, oozing out through his skin and sliding down into the bed. He felt boneless, weightless, as he watched Fili prowl the bedroom, closing the doors and windows, lighting candles…turning on the video camera.   
   
Fuck.  
   
Kili let his legs settle in a loose sprawl, heels digging into the plushness of the mattress as his feet flexed, his cock a red-hot brand along the sensitive skin of his stomach.   
   
"Look at you," Fili said. He was fiddling with the camera, looking through it, then at Kili, then at the camera. "So gorgeous."  
   
Kili would have snorted, shaken his head, made some of derisive noise, but he felt…grounded. Held in place. He was exactly where he wanted to be at exactly this moment. So he merely shifted his hips, flexing them, and waited for Fili to join him.  
   
Fili smiled, stripping off his own clothes as he climbed onto the bed with him. He hovered over him, brushing back Kili's newly evened out and cut hair, before kissing him hungrily. Kili groaned, pushing up to meet Fili's passion with his own. This was what he wanted, what he craved, what he needed.  
   
His hands curled into fists and he released them, twisting to curl around the metal of the bedframe instead.  
   
"Fili," he breathed.  
   
"What do you need?" Fili asked, dragging his blunt, ragged nails over Kili's chest, thumbs catching against sensitive nipples.   
   
"You," Kili said honestly.   
   
"Specifically," Fili chuckled.  
   
Kili closed his eyes and let go of his breath, letting go of everything, and opened his eyes. Fili needed him to use his words, to tell him what he needed. Fili needed him to be honest. Fili needed him.  
   
"Take me to pieces," Kili whispered, "and put me back together? Like you used to? I need your mouth, your fingers, your cock, your everything."  
   
Fili kissed him. "I can do that, sweetheart. You tell me if it's too much."  
   
"I need you so much," Kili whispered. "Please, Fili. Please."  
   
Fili pulled away, pumping some lube onto his fingers and nudging Kili's legs open wider. "Show the camera how gorgeous you are," he whispered as he laid next to him. Kili turned his head, following Fili, and mouthed at his whiskers.  
   
Kili groaned at the first finger--it'd been so long!--and breathed, moving one leg and nuzzling further into Fili's neck. "Fi," he murmured.  
   
"Fuck, Kili," he said, kissing Kili's forehead. "Forgotten what this was like."  
   
"Told you was okay," Kili said, working himself on Fili's finger. After a moment he nudged him. "Another."  
   
"I wasn't about to cheat on you," Fili said, adding a second finger. Kili whined softly at the burn and breathed, letting Fili take the control he had given up and run the show. "I don't care how okay you say it was."  
   
Kili ran his fingers restlessly against the headboard, trying to relax, as Fili worked him open. He wasn't going to get into the argument now, especially since it was a sore spot. He hadn't wanted to let Fili go but, at the time, he hadn't thought they'd ever get back to this, to them. Fili wouldn't break up with him and he couldn't do that to himself but telling Fili that he didn't care if he went ahead and got off with other people? Well. He'd always been good at lying.  
   
"Kili," Fili said, biting roughly at his jaw. "I'm here. You're here. Stay here with me."  
   
Kili turned into the bite, wanting the contact. "Fili," he breathed.  
   
"Still here," Fili said, slowly sliding out his fingers as Kili winced. He always hated it when Fili pulled anything out of him; left him feeling so empty. "Ready for me?"  
   
"Please," Kili said. "C'mon, please." He watched as Fili licked his lips and pumped more lube into his hands, slicking his cock, trying to hold back the whine that wanted to escape. He needed this, needed Fili, so bad. He wanted, sure, but fuck he needed Fili like he needed air sometimes.   
   
Fili nudged Kili's legs wider, tugging one up over his shoulder as he started to press in and Kili squeezed his eyes closed to better focus on how it felt. And oh, it felt so good, so amazing, as Fili pushed him open wider. The other man was going slow, so slow, and Kili whined, but Fili just chuckled.  
   
"Still so tight, fuck," Fili said. "Calm down." A sloppy kiss was pressed to Kili's forehead. "Don't want to hurt you."  
   
"Don't. Care." Kili dug his nails into the leather of the restraints and arched his hips down forcefully, trying to push Fili in deeper faster. "Want you now." Fili swore and Kili gasped and oh ho, that had worked. It was maybe a little faster than Kili had expected as Fili lost his balance and grabbed his hip and nngh, they were fully joined now and god, why had he ever given this up? He'd forgotten what it felt like to be so full of Fili.  
   
"You okay?" Fili asked, voice a little deeper than normal. Kili rolled his hips slowly, curiously, and Fili groaned, hands going to pin them down. "Oh, yeah, you're fine. Menace."  
   
"Less talk, more movement," Kili said, opening his eyes. Fili looked wrecked, hair plastered to his face and eyes blown wide with lust. "C'mon, you can do it," he cooed. "Know you want to. Move. Fuck me. Do it."  
   
Fili kissed him, purely to shut him up, and did just that. Kili grabbed the headboard and held on as Fili grabbed his hips and started to fuck him in earnest. He didn't just stay still either, he moved Kili, used him. And Kili loved it, vocally gasping and praising Fili as he did so. There was something about being unable to touch, tied down as he was, and being utterly controlled and taken care of, that got to him in a way nothing else did.  
   
Kili could feel his orgasm building but was completely blindsided by it. Fili, though, had him on his side, a leg thrown over his shoulder, wide and exposed, as he fucked into him. He laughed when Kili came, encouraging him to mess the bed.  
   
"Fili," Kili panted, wrung out.  
   
"C'mon," Fili said, hips still moving as he sought his own. "You got another in you, don't you?"  
   
Kili would have hit him if he could but instead he just curled his shaking legs around Fili and clenched as hard as he could. Fili groaned, swearing, tipping over into his orgasm.  
   
They lay there, catching their breath, for a moment before Fili reached up to undo the cuffs on Kili's wrists. He took them, kissing the skin and delicate bones underneath, cupping them between their bodies.  
   
"Love you, Kili, love you so much."  
   
Kili closed his eyes and nuzzled closer. "Love you too, Fi."


End file.
